

Wmograp 



I 



MODERN STANDARD DRAMA. 

No. LXXXIV. 



THE CAT SPA W. 



IN FIVE ACTS. 

0* 



v> 



BY DOUGLAS JERROLD. 

WITH THE STAGE BUSINESS, CAST OF CHARACTERS, 
COSTUMES, RELATIVE POSITIONS, ETC. 



NEW YORK : 

WM. TAYLOR & CO. 

151 Nassau Street, Corner of Spruce. 



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EDITORIAL INTRODUCTION. 

A full-blown Comedy, in five lawful acts, from the pen of one of 
the most eminent living English writers, makes its mark clearly in 
a series of Dramatic Publications, like those of the Modern 
Standard Drama. We know beforehand, that in a Play by Jerrold, 
there will be character, elaboration, point, hard hits, and home- 
thrusts in abundance. In a word, there will be " work and labor " 
faithfully done. The author of the " Catspaw " (a singular title by 
the way) never slights his undertakings. The present Drama — 
which has been already produced at the Haymarket Theatre, 
London, with success, sustained by artists like J. Wallack, Keeley, 
Buckstone, Mrs. Keeley, and Webster, exhibits all the character- 
istics of Jerrold's genius in decided relief. The persons selected 
for exhibition are somewhat rigid in outline and set of speech. We 
can compare the Play to nothing so readily as a battery, with a 
rapid discharge of bullet-moulded speeches upon the audience. 
Some of the hits are local to London, but the infirmities and 
eccentricities of human nature generally are so often girded at as 
to make it appreciable, in its general scope, in New York as well. 
In Doctor Petgoose, quackery receives a brisk broadside, with its 
pliant gull, well-peppered, in the timid patient, Mr. Snowball. 
Not relying on events and violent transitions of incident, the 
" Catspaw " requires to be well acted to be entirely successful in its 
representation. 

The critical reader cannot fail to observe that the acts are not 
divided, as is customary in the English Drama, into scenes, but that 
each act is a scene only broken by the exits and entrances of the 
different characters. This gives unity and sustained interest to the 
dialogue, and if rapidly played, compensates for the lack of 
stage bustle. C. M. 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Haymarket, 1850. Burton's, JV. Y, 

Captain Burgonet Mr. Howe. Mr. C. W. Clarke 

Mr. Snowball " Keeley. " Burton. 

Doctor Petgoose " J. Wallack. " Jordan. 

Appleface " Buckstone. " Johnston. 

Coolcard 

alias 
Busby Knox, M. A. \ 

alias 
Chevalier Podovy 

Dudley '. " Selby. " Holman. 

Dust " Tilbury. " Rea. 

Duggins »." " Ellis. " Hurley. 

Servant " A. Brindal. " Wise. 

Mrs. Peachdown Miss Reynolds. Mrs. Russell. 

Cassandra Mrs. S. L. Buckingham. Miss Clark. 

Rosemary Mrs. Keeley. Miss Chapman. 



COSTUMES. 

SNOWBALL.— Modern eccentric suits. 

DR. PETGOOSE.— Black frock coat, white vest, black breeches, black silk stock- 
ings, and shoes. 

CAPT. BURGONET.— Military frock, pants, chapeau, and feathers. 

APPLEFACE. — English drummers jacket and white pants. Second dress ; Full 
black suit. 

CHEVALIER PODOVY.— Eccentric fashionable suit. 

AUDLEY.— Black. 

DUST.— Heavy livery. 

DUGGINS.— Do. 

JENKINS.— Light livery. 

MRS. PEACHDOWN.- Fashionable lady's dress. 

CASSANDRA.— White muslin. 

ROSEMARY.— Modern maid's dress. 



EXITS AND ENTRANCES. 
R. means Eight; L. Left; R. D. Right Boor ; L. D. Left Door; 
S. E. Second Entrance; U. E. Upper Entrance; M. D. Middle Door ; 



RELATIVE POSITIONS. 

R. means Right; L. Left; C. Centre; R. C. Right of Centre, 
L. C. Left of Centre. 



THE CATSPAW. 



ACT I. 

Scene I.— A suite of apartments in Snowball's house. — Dust 
discovered at table, on which are papers, books, dtc. 

Bust. My master's a mean man. This is his private note- 
book full of all sorts of odds and ends ; and he's writ 'em down 
in such a kind of gibberish that, for the life of me, I can't make 
out one of 'em. I call this mean ; yes, mean and — 

Duggins runs in, r. 

Duggins. John, John ! 

Dust. John ! When a tail has grown to your jacket, and 
you've ripened into plush, then, Sam Duggins, you may say 
John. 'Till then, Mr. Dust if you please. 

Duggins. Well, then, Mr. Dust, you must run as hard as 
you can with this paper. — It's for physic. 

Dust. Eun ! I have lived ten years with Mr. Snowball, and 
whatever was the hurry, I can lay my hand upon my heart and 
say, I never run yet. 

Duggins. But I tell you, master's ill. Shouldn't wonder, 
Doctor Petgoose says, if he hasn't broke a blood-vessel. 

Dust. Pooh— impossible. 'Tisn't in him. (Takes a chair. 

Duggins. Why, you'll never — master may lose his life ! 

Dust. You've only been a week in this house, Duggins. 
Not a cat in the parish has lost so many lives as your master, 
and still has so many to spare. 

Duggins. But Doctor Petgoose — 

Dust. Doctor Petgoose is a quack. 

Duggins. Why, what's a quack ? 

Dust. Ha, Duggins ! You're from the country. Well, it's 



8 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

sweet to meet with the smallest bit of innocence ; it comes upon 
a town man like new-mown hay. 

Duggins. But what is a quack ? Is't a reg'lar trade ? 

Dust. No-— it's a gift ! 

Duggins. And Doctor Petgoose you say — 

Enter Rosemary, r. 

Rosemary. This is appalling ! And you can eat your mas- 
ter's bread — yes, Mr. Dust, you can sit in an easy chair, and 
your master — if I may use the expression — with one leg in 
the grave. 

Dust Be no more afeared for that. He won't put in the 
other leg, I can promise you. 

Rosem. Mr. Dust, in the nat'ral course of things, that boy 
will be a brute quite soon enough without your example. 

Dust. Let's hope he may. As for things in their nat'ral 
course, I'm the last to hurry 'em. Give me this phvsic-warrant 
and — and brush my hat, and wait in the hall. [Exit Duggins, l. 
Humph ! And Mr. Snowball is so very bad ? What is it this 
time ? 

JRosem. Spasms. And Doctor Petgoose says, as a doctor he 
won't answer for him. 

Dust. As a doctor why should he ? That's the patient's 
business. 

Rosem. Mr. Dust, your ill-nature may be very clever, but I 
only wished you loved your fellow speeches. 

Dust. I did once : nobody knows that better than you. 
Now, I'm above loving anything. I despise the world, and lay 
by my wages. So he's bad with spasms, is he ? And how 
it's going to rain! Why couldn't the doctor make up the 
physic from his own box ? 

Rosem. He hadn't all the drugs. — Specially out of laudanum. 

Dust. lNlon't wonder at that. Folks with the consciences 
they have in this house must take a good deal to make 'em 
sleep. 

Rosem. Mr. Dust, what you have to say — say straitfor'ard. 
No zigzag insinuations for me. People, bold in virtue — 

Dust. Yes, — people's virtue may be very bold when they've 
got the military to take care of it. 

Rosem. Military! 

Dust. What's that soldier after, always rapping his cane 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 9 

round about the house ? Cook says he's after the plate-basket, 
or after you. Now my opinion is — 

Rosem. What is your opinion ? 

Dust. That he's got an eye upon both. 

Rosem. Indeed ! 

Dust. In which case — but only for the sake of the spoons — I 
shall tell master. 

Rosem. [Aside) Demon ! And so hope to double the pro- 
perty Mr. Snowball has left you ? 

Dust. Left me ! Property ! Not but what I'm above it, but 
what is it ? 

Rosem. When he made his will — yes, I know it — you'll 
never pass his monument without once a quarter blessing him. 

Dust. And is he so very ill now ? 

Rosem. This time quite in earnest. You don't know it, but 
an annuity may drop upon you every minute. 

Dust. {Folding up prescription, putting it in his pocket, and 
resuming his seat.) I don't know how it is, but I do begin to 
think better of mankind. Poor master ! It's sudden, too. 
What can have done it ? 

Rosem. Listen. Lord Wintercough, Mr. Snowball's great 
uncle, has died — 

Dust. I know that. 

Rosem. Died in a most unfeeling manner, and never left your 
master so much as a copper pennypiece. The shock has shivered 
his system. Mrs. Peachdown comes into the fortune ready made 
for her like a bed. 

Dust. Talking of beds, is my annuity enough for two ? Not 
that I'd have master die to make me comfortable. 

Rosem. Ha, Mr. Dust, there's no help for it ! He must die, 
and you must be comfortable. 

Dust. If it must be, it doesn't become a worm like me to 
repine. In which case I'll go for the sufferer's physic. Since 
if it does him no harm, it can do him no — 

Rosem. No good ? 

Dust. I didn't mean that, but — 

Rosem. I'm sure you didn't; but feeling's too much for 
grammar. 

Dust. It is. Poor master ! This morning so well and now 
— spasms ! Ha, Rosemary — in this world, what's health ? 

Rosem. An annuity ? 

Dust. Or rank — or state ? All nothing — all spasms ! [Exit, r 

1* 



10 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

Rosem. Ha ! ha ! ha ! With this flam of an annuity, 111 
lead him like a lap-dog after pound-cake. I cajole him ; but 
how I hate him, he's such a hypocrite ! Still, till I marry 
Alexander, I must keep terms with the creature. Sweet Apple- 
face ! he was not made for war's alarms, but for domestic com- 
fort. Not for the trumpet, but the tea-kettle. How very 
delicious, too, to think that with my little savings, I shall buy 
his discharge from the Hundred-and-Fourth Foot, dust him from 
pipe-clay, and make him my own for ever. [Retires. 

Enter Snowball and Dr. Petgoose, l. . 

Snowball. Doctor Petgoose, you must allow me to know my 
own constitution ! 

Petgoose. Certainly not. As a doctor, the last liberty I can 
allow any man. 

Snowb. Not know my own feelings ? 

Petgoose. No ! it's flying in the face of the faculty. 

Snowb. What next ? I suppose I've no eyes — I can't see ? 

Petgoose. You have no eyes — you can't see. 'Tis science 
only that can see. Science, Mr. Snowball, that to the eye of 
the physician turns the whole human animal, I may say, into 
glass. At this minute I can see your heart in your bosom — 
see it as plainly as any cucumber in any bottle. 

Snowb. My dear Doctor ! 

Petgoose. And I must say this. — It's a blessed thing, my 
friend, you can't see yourself. 

Snowb. But I feel like — like a giant. 

Petgoose. I know that, and there's the danger. If I could 
only see you prostrate, I should be comfortable. Your strength 
is your weakness. Passion is a muscular emotion. For sur- 
prise, communicating with the pia-mater, gives morbid activity 
to the vertebral column. Just as it is the function of the 
human heart, like the human pocket, to open with expectation, 
and shut with disappointment. Whereupon, the animal spirits 
are held in suspense, like — like the bee's-wing in port, or a 
fragment of hop in old October. In which case, it is ten to one 
that passion, sweeping up and down the internal anatomy, does 
not suddenly destroy life, going as clean through the nervous 
machinery as a house-broom through a cobweb ! 

Snowb. (Drops in chair.) My dear Petgoose ! 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 11 

Rosemary coming down, b. 

JRosem. "You'll kill the best of masters ! Oh, I've heard what 
you said, and I defy the looks of science^ even if science does 
make all the world a glass-house, and all the people in it doc- 
tor's-bottles. 

Snowb. You're a good girl, Rosemary ; but I feel the doctor's 
right. 

Petgoose. No, sir ; no. If a physician may say as much to 
his own face, I'm an ass. For what was my public practice ? 
Were not thousands at my foot ? 

Bosem. {Aside) Yes — and thousands under it. 

Petgoose. But the friend was stronger than the physician, and 
I withheld my genius from the rest of the world, to shower it 
all upon yourself.. 

Snowb. You did. 

Petgoose. And more — my great discovery ; the brain of a life 
— my Paradise Pill ! A pill I might have stood upon, like 
Mercury on the globe. A pill that at the present moment is 
daily bread to thousands. That pill, in the extravagance of 
friendship, I parted with for ever and for ever. 

Snowb. You did. 

Petgoose. More. To make my return to practice impossible, 
didn't I write an indignant book ? Didn't I throw in the face 
of the world my " Pearls to Pigs f 

Snowb. You did — you did. 

Petgoose. And this is my reward ! You are to know your 
constitution — to talk of your feelings ? 

Snowb. I beg your pardon. 

Petgoose. Quite sufficient. 

Snowb. I was a fool. 

Petgoose. With that I'm always satisfied. 

Snowb. Yery odd. The agitation's given me quite an appe- 
tite. Let's have luncheon. I'm so hungry. 

Petgoose. Another delusion. It's your brain that's hungry, 
not the stomach. 

Snowb. Is it ? 

Petgoose. (Feels Snowball's pulse.) Well, a cupful of 
chicken-broth in half-an-hour. And for company, I'll take a 
mouthful. Rosemary, tell the cook to devil me a nice plump 
pullet. 

Rosem. Oh ! broth for the patient and pullet for the Doctor. 



12 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

Petgoose. I lunch, you see, on classical authority; for the 
cock was dedicated to Esculapius. Young woman, as you've 
heard so much, did you ever hear of Esculapius ? He was the 
first doctor, and— 

Bosem. And lunched off pullets ? Well, if he'd been* the 
sort of Doctor that's common now, instead of dedicating, as you 
call it, a pullet — I should have cooked him a duck. [Exit. 

Petgoose. {Aside.) Some day, I shall prescribe for that young 
woman. 

Snowb. Now hadn't I the best reason for my rage ? 

Petgoose. No — you can't afford it. Some day passion will 
blow you out like a farthing candle. I know your system. 
Keally to enjoy the blessings of life, you should have # no more 
emotion than an oyster. 

Snowb. Still, to be tricked by his lordship, — and on his 
death-bed, too ! 

Petgoose. Cowardly, but common. 

Snowb. I who had followed him, — I was going to say, like a 
dog. 

Petgoose. You may say it. 

Snowb. And to leave his money to Mrs. Peachdown,- — I 
feel cold all over when I think of her ! 

Petgoose. Then you mustn't think of her. I know your sys- 
tem. Think of somebody else. 

Snowb. And yet, to have my hopes break like soap-bubbles 
— to — to — 

Petgoose. What ! More passion ! 

Snowb. I'm tranquil as a toadstool. Still you will allow me 
to say it is hard ? 

Petgoose. Certainly. 

Snowb. Perhaps, my dear friend, you will allow me to add — 
it is damned hard ? 

Petgoose. JSTo objection. 

Snowb. You may even — 

Enter Cassandra, r. 

What do you want ? 
Cassandra. I'm so delighted to see you better ! 
Snowb. Better ! 
Cassan. You seem better. 

Snowb. Seeming may be lying. Did your looking-glass 
never tell you that ? 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 13 

Cassan. Ha! ha! ha! 

Snowb. {Aside) Will nobody marry her off ? Doctor, this 
girl's furious spirits kill me. I feel it — my tombstone will be 
upon her head ! 

Petgoose. (To Cassan.) Mr. Snowball is better — but weak. 

Cassan, Everybody must see his weakness. As I feared — 
not strong enough to bear a lawyer. 

Snowb. Quite strong enough. What lawyer ? 

Cassan. Why, sir, Mr. Chumpem. 

Snowb. Chumpem ! Ha ! ha ! I see it — a flaw in the will. 
Ha ! ha ! I see it ! 

Petgoose. And, unless you're quiet, I see a flaw in the 
churchyard. Mr. Snowball, if you despise your own life, at 
least respect my reputation. 

Snowb. I'm quiet. Feel my pulse — like a lamb's. (To Cas- 
san.) Show him in. 

Cassan. Will it be safe — may the lamb meet the lawyer ? 

Petgoose. (Feeling Snowball's pulse) Fluttering, fluttering. 

Snowb. No, no. Cool and calm as curds and whey. Upon 
my honor, I hav'n't a bit of emotion. Upon my word, I feel 
quite an oyster. 

Petgoose. In that case, show the lawyer in. 

\Exit Cassandra, c. 

Snowb. Dear Doctor, money can never wholly repay you. 

Petgoose. Never. For if I sell the doctor, I present you gratis 
with the friend. 

Enter Cassandra with Audley, c. 

Cassan. (Aside to Audley.) Mind ; first Chancery, then 
marriage. 

Audley. (Aside) Between the two, depend on't his sagacity 
shall be rarely tested. Mr. Snowball — 

Snowb. Why, where's Chumpem ? 

Cassan. Mr. Chumpem, sir, is in bed. 

Audley. On his back, sir, helpless as a turtle. 

Cassan. And as full of gout, sir. 

Snoivb. Gout ! What do you know of — 

Cassan. I know all this gentleman has told me. And fearing 
you were going to die, and not wishing to interrupt you, I — 

Snowb. Quit the room. Doctor, that girl's tongue ! My 
hair grows white while she talks. Go. 



14 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

Cassan. Very well, sir — I'll go. I came in tenderness, and I 
leave in terror. (To Audley.) Good sir, break it gently — 
kindly to him. 

Snowb. Go ! 

Cassan. Don't rumple his feelings with your horrid law ; 
but if it isn't too much to ask, do for once think yourself a 
zephyr ; and — ha ! ha ! ha ! — your client a rose. [Exit, r. 

Petgoose. Sit down. 

Snowb, Let me stand. If it's trouble, I can bear it best upon 
my legs. (To Audley.) JSTow, sir, in this dreadful crisis, what 
is Mr. Chumpem's remedy ? 

Audley. Chancery. 

Petgoose. (Handing chair to Snowball, who sinks into it.) 
And yet you will presume upon your little strength ! 

Audley. Chancery is one remedy, but there is another. 

Snowb. (Rising.) Another ! Chancery is one, you say, 
and — and — 

Audley. Marriage is the other. 

Snowb. Well, I am weak. (Falls in chair.) Marriage the 
other ! 

Audley. Throw the matter into Chancery, and in time you 
may set the will aside. 

Snowb. But how, if before, time sets me aside ? 

Audley. That's it. Whereas marriage stops all anxiety, for 
you know the worst at once. 

Snowb. Chancery ! Doctor, I should die in no time. 

Petgoose. Chancery ! Gasp and die, like a gudgeon on a hook. 

Snoivb. And how — how about marriage ? 

Petgoose. Why, in the matter of marriage, while there's life 
there's hope. 

Snowb. True. In all the wedding-cake, hope is the sweetest 
of the plums. And who is it I'm to marry ? 

Audley. Why, the widow, — Mrs. Peachdown, of course. 

Snowb. Marry her ! I'd rather be gnawed to death by law, 
and buried in a winding-sheet of parchment. 

Audley. If you so decide, sir, I've no doubt our house can 
accommodate you. Still, if at a blow you made the defendant 
your wife, — 

Snowb. Well? 

Audley. 'Twould save time and money. 

Snowb. And time makes life, and money gilds it ! No— no ! 
I 'd rather fling myself upon the law. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 15 

Audley. Very good. Then we at once throw Mrs. Peachdown 
into Chancery? 

Snowb. Stop. Throw her tenderly — amicably. Because — 
ha ! ha ! — I am so shrewd — if Chancery is going against us, we 
can but relent and marry the poor thing at last. But that 's like 
me. So deep ; eh, eh, Doctor ? 

Petgoose. Don't ask me. If you will tamper with your con- 
stitution, you must bear the penalty. 

Audley. Then Mrs. Peachdown must understand that the 
suit is quite a friendly one? 

Snowb. Only animated by the warmest friendship. 

Audley. ~No vindictive feeling ? 

Snowb. No more than if the suit between us was a game at 
chess. 

Audley. With this advantage. When you find you're 
losing, you can make it all right by playing a bishop. Upon 
my life, sir, you are wondrous shrewd. A client Mr. Chumpem 
must be proud of. 

Snowb. Shrewd ! I believe so. At school, they called me 
the fox — the little fox. Would you think it ? 

Audley. I should not. (Aside.) I should rather think you the 
other party. 

Snoivb. But not a word to Mrs. Peachdown. With her 
chivalrous notions, her love of the middle ages, she might arm 
her resentment in a suit of plate-armor, and dare me herself to 
single combat. So the widow must be lulled. 

Audley. Sir, she shall be the Sleeping Beauty of the Court 
of Chancery. 

Snowb. Capital. By the way, I 'm sorry to hear Chumpem's 
so bad, but you understand my wishes ? 

Audley. Perfectly. Ha, sir ! Mr. Chumpem's a great suf- 
ferer. 

Snowb. Poor fellow ! he 's a sharp man and a dear lawyer — 
I mean — you know what I mean. Good bye. You '11 serve 
the widow at once, but don't alarm her. 

Audley. For your sake, sir, I '11 make law like love. The 
lady sha'n't dream of her loss, till she 's called upon for costs. 

[Exit, c. 

Snowb. Mark my words. That young man will become one 
of the ornaments of his profession. 

Petgoose. One of those ornaments that — more 's the pity — 
are seldom properly framed. 



1 6 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

Enter Duggins, c. gives letter to Snowball. 

What have 1 said ? Yet you will attend to business ? 

Snoiub. But this mayn't be business ? 

Pet goose. Pooh ! It's a letter for money. I Ve seen so 
many cases I know the internal complaint at a glance. 

Snowb. There. Read. {Gives letter) 

Petgoose. {Reading) "Honored Sir" — I said so. Do you 
think you 're honored for nothing ? " Honored Sir, the death 
of the sainted Lord Wintercough has left me without a friend. 
But his lordship was too good for this world, as I feel I'm not 
good enough? Humph ! That strikes the balance. 

Snowb. Go on. 

Petgoose. {Reading) " Nevertheless, I throw myself with a 
confiding heart upon you''' — 

Snoivb. Confiding heart ! Is it a woman ? 

Duggins. Not in the least, sir. 

Petgoose {Reading) " An interview is all I ask, when I 
pledge myself to give you" — 

Snowb. What? 

Petgoose. {Reading) " My name in full. Meanwhile, 1 
remain in the instalment of an initial, yours till death, <7." 

Snowb. Very odd. What do you think ? 

Petgoose. Pooh ! A begging-letter writer. One of the im- 
postors who live on pen and ink, with the further advantage of 
never printing what they scribble. 

Snowb. Think so ? 

Petgoose. Certain. One of the wretches who not only pillage 
compassionate people, but what is more atrocious — defraud the 
critics. 

Snowb. You 're wrong. Duggins, show him in. {Exit Dug- 
gins.) Yes, I 'm sure you 're wrong. I prophesy a discovery 
here, and I never was deceived yet. Mark my words, there 's 
something in this. 

Petgoose. Pshaw ! Some rascal that lives on simpletons and 
gulls. {Looking at watch) They 're taking their time with this 
pullet. They 're— 

Enter Coolcard hurriedly c; he runs and embraces Snowball. 

Coolcard. My dear, dear sir ! 
Snowb. Hollo ! Doctor ! What !— 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 1*7 

Coolc. Pardon me — my feelings! I had forgotten. We 
both have lost a friend, and the tears of sorrow wash out all 
distinctions. Oh, sir ! our Wintereough is gone. 

Petgoose. Ha ! Why weren't you with him when he went ? 

Coolc. I was then in — in the Low Countries on an errand, 
but of that anon. His lordship was not himself at last, or I 
had not been forgotten. But there is one comfort, you are 
worthy of his princely wealth. 

Snowb. I wish his lordship had thought so. . 

Coolc. What? Why? How? 

Petgoose. Then you don't know that Mrs. Peachdown 
inherits ? 

Coolc. Aye, but that will was revoked. 

Snowb. Ha ! ha ! To be sure ! There was another ? 

Coolc. Has it not been found ? 

Snowb. Not yet — but it must be. For, of course you know 
there is one ? 

Coolc. The oaken cabinet — that carved with Diana and the 
Stag — has that been searched ? 

Snowb. No — no ! I dare say not. 

Coolc. Then rest you satisfied — you are his lordship's heir. 

Petgoose. Pray — how did you first know Lord Winter- 
cough ? 

Coolc. That is a long story. I was then a rich man — I am 
now a poor one. Yes, sir, a poor one, and do not blush to 
own it. 

Petgoose. More shame for you. For as I observe in my 
" Pearls to Pigs " — you've met the book ? 

Coolc. Not yet. 

Petgoose. You will. - As I observe, — " Not to blush for 
poverty is to want a proper respect for wealth." 

Snoivb. What may be your name, sir ? 

Coolc. Coolcard. Did you never heard his lordship speak of 
Coolcard — Augustus Coolcard ? 

Snowb. Never. 

Coolc. Well, sir, I am that man. I've a thousand of his 
lordship's letters will satisfy you. We first met — met roman- 
tically — years ago. In Italy — at the Baths of Caracalla. One 
lovely night — an Italian night ! The moon hung like a golden 
salver in the dark blue sky, when were seen two men of sinister 
aspect, muffled in umbrageous cloaks that — 



18 THE CATSPAW. [ACT I. 

Enter Dust, with tray, chicken, wine — soup — medicine, r. 

I beg your pardon. [Aside to Snowball.) In confidence, I 
am not ashamed to say that I am a little faint. 

Snowb. To be sure. Mr. Coolcard, you'll take a snack with 
the doctor. 

Petgoose. [Aside to Snowball.) Don't . press him — I'd 
rather not. 

Snowb. Why not? I can't be deceived; and at least, he 
has the outside of a gentleman. 

Petgoose. Possibly ; but with one pullet 'twixt two, the out- 
side is not the question. (Coolcard has seated himself at 
table) Why he's down already. 

Coolc. [Carving) I am not ashamed to confess it, I am very, 
very hungry. 

Petgoose. [Aside.) He'll cheat the very dog of his bones. 

(Dust brings soup and medicine to Snowball.) 

Stop. [Feels Snowball's pulse) Yes, you are better — mucn 
better. 

Dust. [Aside.) Oh yes — my old luck ! 

Snowb. I felt so. 

Petgoose. So, for your medicine we'll wait a little. Yes — 
you shall have the chicken. 

Snowb. Shall I ? 

Petgoose. You shall, and I'll put up with the broth. [Takes 
broth and seats himself. Snowball stares at Coolcard vora- 
ciously feeding.) What's the matter ? Your friend has the 
outside of a gentleman. 

Snowb. Yes — but the inside of a coalheaver. 
[Sits staring at Coolcard, who eats and drinks. Petgoose 
takes his broth, Dust waits at back. 



end of act i, 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 19 



ACT II. 

Scene I. — As before. Cassandra and Eosemary discovered. 

Rosem. Well, to be sure! To think that Mr. Audley — 
above all people — should be your lover ? 

Cassan. You'll not betray my confidence ? 

Rosem. Certainly not, ma'am ; (Aside) as if I didn't know 
all about it before. And this Chancery suit is all a pretence 1 
No real law after all ? 

Cassan. None whatever. Only to test ' the truth of Mrs. 
Peachdown's suitor. 

Rosem. Nothing but right ; with a second husband a woman 
can't be too particular. However, Miss, let's hope he'll come 
out of the trial like a new guinea out of the furnace. And now 
as you've told me all about Mrs. Peachdown's lover and your 
own into the bargain, as a recompense I'll tell you all about 
mine. 

Cassan. You a lover ! 

Rosem. Why not ? Thank goodness ! love's like the flies ; 
and — drawing-room or garrets — goes all over a house. 

Cassan. Still, it's curious. 

Rosem. Don't see it, ma'am. No curiosity about me. Flesh 
and blood, ma'am, same as my neighbours. 

Cassan. Any way I'm charmed to hear it. And what is 
your swain \ 

Rosem. A bulwark of our native isle — a soldier. 

Cassan. A soldier! Stranger still. And how did he win 
you ? 

Rosem. I couldn't help it — all at once ; he did look so much 
like a gentleman when he stood at ease. 
* Cassan. Ha ! ha ! And you'll become a soldier's wife ! 

Rosem. Oh no ! I'm going to buy him out of the cannon's 
mouth. And soon, too. I've already bought him a black coat 
and waistcoat, and what he calls his civil garments. For he was 
very genteel, before trouble drove him to glory. I'm going to 
ask you something. Should you like to see him ? 

Cassan. 'Twould be delightful — but, I suppose, not possible. 



20 THE CATSPAW. [ACT II. 

Rosem. He's in that room. Got him like^a tame rabbit. 

Cassan. In that room ! 

Rosem. Now I don't mind telling you. He's long had the 
run of the house. Bless you ! knows the pattern of every dish, 
and the cut of every decanter in it. 

Cassan. Indeed ? And you feel sure of this soldier's heart ? 

Rosem. Every pin's point of it. 

Cassan. I fear you only share it with the dishes and de- 
canters. 

Rosem. Don't say so — I should dissolve with the idea. 
Only just to please me, examine his affections. 

Cassan. Willingly. (Aside,) Here's sport. 

Rosem. Tap as if with a drum-stick at that door. He'll 
unlock it. — And when you look into his eyes, and drink up his 
voice, won't you envy me ! Stay — I'll tap myself; for how 
should you know the true movement ? (Taps at the door mea- 
suredly, as upon a drum. Door is opened.) 

* Rosemary runs off as Appleface, in drummer's uniform, 

comes out, l. 

Appleface. What ! An ambush ! 

Cassan. Don't be alarmed. Rosemary has told me all. I 
had my fears for the poor girl — they are gone. I now perceive, 
she is a happy woman. 

Apple/. Couldn't be otherwise with the Hundred-and-Fourth. 
Our regiment's made more happy women than any in the line. 

Cassan. I must take care of Rosemary. Your intentions, 
then, are honourable ? 

Apple/. Not at present. 

Cassan. What ? 

Apple/. Can't afford to be honourable 'till I'm bought out. 

Cassan. I understand — when you are free. 'Twould seem, 
then, the army is not your choice ? 

Apple/. Never was. I took it as a forlorn hope ; and I will 
say this of it — I hav'n't been disappointed. 

Cassan. Pray what made you enlist ? 

Apple/. All come of my weak habit. I was a lawyer's clerk, 
and made a joke. Whereupon my master turned me off. He 
said law was so big a thing, no man with any other stuff' in his 
head had room for it. So I listed, and being like a nightingale, 
small and musical, they made me a drumrner. 



SCENE If. THE CATSPAW. 21 

Cassan. Left the law and became a drummer ! 

Apple/. Yes, ma'am. 'Twas only a move from one parch- 
ment to t'other ; and which of the two makes the most row in 
this world, nobody can tell. 

Cassan. Well, assured of such a wife as Kosemary, you now 
feel your good-fortune ? 

Apple/. Pretty well — for the Hundred-and-Fourth looks 
high. Last- week our cymbal-player married three hundred 
a year. To be sure, he was black, and some people don't mind 
paying for colour. 

Cassan. But then consider Rosemary's mind, to say nothing 
of her beauty ! 

Apple/ As for beauty, she may go yellow like a November 
leaf, but this heart will always be as it was. 

Cassan. I'm wholly satisfied. Because, beauty will fade — 
the loveliest form become a wreck. 

Apple/ Don't you fear. Let her be as great a wreck as 
she will, I shall never be the man to take to a jolly-boat and 
leave her. 

Enter Rosemary, r. 

Rosem. Oh, Miss ! Here's Mrs. Peachdown in such a rage. 
I don't know what she means, but she says she's come to beard 
a lion. 

Apple/ A woman in a rage ! Then the lion will have the 
worst of it. I'll beat a retreat. 

Rosem. Impossible ! Leave the house in your uniform ! 

Apple/ Pulses of my heart, where 's the black ? In a diffi- 
culty I 'm not above a change. 

Rosem. Go back — go ! Alexander, think of my reputation, 
and fly. 

Apple/. Alexander thinks of it as his own and flies accord- 
ingly. [Runs into apartment in the scene. 

Cassan. The dear daring creature ! 'Tis ■ so like her — I 
knew she 'd come. In five minutes, Mr. Snowball — 

Rosem. Why here he is, come up the back-stairs, and the 
Doctor with him. 

Cassan. The Doctor with him ! He 's to meet the widow, 
and provides for the danger. Let 's leave 'em the field. [Exit. 

Rosem. Certainly — leave 'em the field; but not till I've 
secured my wounded. (Takes the key from the inside. Locks 
the door jj. % and exit r. 



22 m THE CATSPAW. # [ACT II. 

Enter Snowball and Petgoose, c. 

Snoivb. Was ever the like ? Plunge a woman into Chan- 
cery, and even then she comes up against you. What could 
have brought the widow here ? 

Petgoose. Why, it 's plain — plain as a pestle. Despair. 

Snowb. D 'ye think so ? You make me very happy. 

Petgoose. She feels she is lost, and comes to fascinate you. 

Snowb. As well fascinate the rock of Gibraltar. No ; if 
I 'm proud of anything, it 's of my strength against woman. 
I'll see the widow at my foot, and still stand like a pillar. 

Petgoose. A proud position ; for she 's so desperate, even a 
parson won't stop her. The tender passion — 

Snowb. The tender passion ! Ha ! ha ! Thus I fold my 
arms, and set my teeth against it. I '11 strain every sinew into 
iron — every muscle into adamant — 

Petgoose. Iron and adamant! Pooh-pooh. I deal with 
mortal flesh. Talk in that way, and you 'd better call in a 
blacksmith. Humph ! You 're not well. Pulse, wiry — 
(feeling pulse) — wiry as a rat-trap. How many pills of Para- 
dise — upon your honour — how many last night ? 

Snowb. Eight. 

Petgoose. Eight ! I said a dozen. Suppose you now swal- 
low the other four — suppose — ■ 

Enter Mrs. Peachdown and Cassandra, r. 

Snowb. {Aside to him) Too late — I must first swallow the 
widow. — She looks in Chancery. Madam, this visit is as sur- 
prising as delightful. Quite. 

Mrs. Peachdown. (Affecting to suppress her passion) I 
thought it best to come. Yes, said I — I will myself negotiate 
a peace. Dear Mr. Snowball, will you accept the olive ? 

Snowb. Why, olives are very well, but I don't see how 
they 're to be taken with law. 

Mrs. Peachd. Speak of law again, and I shall drop. At 
the very name of law, I feel thrice a woman's weakness. 

Petgoose. (Aside) Then she 's invincible. 

Snowb. ( Aside to Petgoose). Doctor ? 

Petgoose. (Aside to him) Mind what you 're about. 
Every time she makes up her mouth, I seem to see a wedding- 
ring. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 23 

Cassan. And now I'll leave you. Doctor, they have no 
need of witnesses ? 

Petg. Certainly not. 

Snowb. ISTo — no; don't go. If we're to plant the olive, 
stay and witness the ceremony. 

Cassan. By no means — we should only embarrass. (Aside 
to Mrs. Peachdown.) Depend upon it, the surest way to 
crush the creature is, ha ! ha ! to marry him. 

Petgoose. (Aside to Snowball.) Be quiet — talk little, and 
— I'm at hand — call if there's danger. (Aside) A fine wo- 
man — with a mellow look of money — too good for him. 

Cassan. Doctor, — 

Petgoose. I attend you. (Aside!) And she'll succeed in her 
suit — no doubt. And success is charming. Yes, I was always 
a friend — a great friend to success. Madam. 

[Leads off Cassandra. 

Mrs. Peachd. (With sudden animation.) And now, my 
dear Mr. Snowball ! Why, what's the matter ? 

Snowb. Madam, I'll be frank. Your tenderness alarms me. 
I shall sink under it. A soft atmosphere kills me. So if you 
please — (aside) — better stop this at once — let our conversation 
be brisk and bracing. 

Mrs. Peachd. With all my heart ! I prefer a keen air myself. 
It best suits my blood, my spirits. But I thought you delicate. 

Snowb. Oh no — not more delicate than becomes a gentle- 
man. Don't spare me. 

Mrs. Peachd. To business, then. You dispute his Lordship's 
will? 

Snowb. Such is my misfortune. (Aside.) Though the story 
of that scoundrel Coolcard, Augustus Coolcard — and I was 
never before deceived — never — is a flam — all a flam. I do. 

Mrs. Peachd. And disputing, throw me, an unprotected 
widow, into Chancery. 

Snowb. As for your widowhood, I feel for the man who has 
lost you. Venerable Mr. Peachdown ! Good old gentleman ! 

Mrs. Peachd. The conversation grows oppressive. A little 
more brisk and bracing if you please. 

Snowb. Let's return to Chancery. My heart bled to put 
you there. And the heart, the heart, Mrs. Peachdown, never 
bleeds more than — than — (Aside) — than when the pocket bleeds 
"with it. 

Mrs. Peachd. Oh, I don't upbraid you. I was myself sur- 



24 THE CATSPAW. [ACT II. 

prised by the will — 'twas so chivalrous. Nevertheless, in these 
metallic times — in this wretched age of arithmetic — 'tis your 
duty to deprive me of every shilling. 

Snowb. How noble of you to think so ! It is my duty. 

Mrs. Peachd. And mine, not to let go a single sixpence. 

Snowb. Eh ? What ? Oh, very well. Yes, that's the fight 
— that's the struggle. But then we fight as friends ? 

Mrs. Peachd. And struggle with the best intentions. I'm 
told, too, our suit may last twenty years. 

Snowb. Twenty? Fifty. 

Mrs. Peachd. Then there's my hand. Nay ; if we're to 
fight for fifty years, at least shake hands before the fight begins. 

{Offers her hand) 

Snoivb. Certainly — only right. (Aside.) Now, who'd think 
there was any danger in such a hand ? Yet how often, like a 
trap, it closes upon an innocent man, and makes him a prisoner 
for his natural life ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Yes — you will shake hands. (He timidly 
takes her hand — she continues to hold it.) Now we are friends, 
and law will be a pleasure. Now I feel I've an employment in 
life. We'll watch the vicissitudes of the suit together — watch 
and moralize. Now, poverty may menace you — now myself — 

Snotvb. Charming; ! 

Mrs. Peachd. And now, it may be, threaten both together. 

Snowb. Delicious ! 

Mrs. Peachd. As I say, we'll moralize. And when ruin — 

Snoivb. (Aside.) I wish she'd drop my hand. Her words go 
creeping up my arm, and spreading all over my shoulder. 

Mrs. Peachd. Where was I ? 

Snoivb. At ruin. 

Mrs. Peachd. True. And — 

Snowb. And — (taking away his hand) — there I think we'd 
better stop. 

Mrs. Peachd. Not at all. At ruin begins devotion. Friend- 
ship having done its worst, we're bound to one another for ever. 

Snowb. Then we'll begin by throwing friendship overboard, 
and go to law with all our hearts and all our claws. 

Mrs. Peachd. What ! you reject the olive ? 

Snowb. Olive ! Fiddlededee ! it won't grow upon sheepskin. 

Mrs. Peachd. Oh, very well ! Then war to the last farthing. 

Snowb. Nothing but war, with as much horse-hair as we 
can put into it. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 25 

Mrs. Peackd. I'm glad of this. I now feel the heroism of 
my nature, and will sacrifice you with laughter. Miserable 
victim 1 

Snowb. Mrs. Peachdown ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Devoted, doomed one! You have turned 
every drop of mercy here to ink — Japan ink. You thought to 
trade on my timidity — you believed me a weak woman ! 

Snowb. I didn't. 

Mrs. Peachd. ( Violently.) You did ! 

Snowb. I see my mistake, and beg your pardon. 

Mrs. Peachd. I entered this house a dove — I will say it, a 
very dove. 

Snowb. (Aside.) Ecod, you've moulted since, and got very 
different feathers. 

Mrs. Peachd. But even the turtle will peck the hand that — 
no, sir, I will not weep. 

Snowb. Thank you, ma'am, for all favours. 

Mrs. Peachd. For I know that woman's tears are the coward's 
cordial. 

Snowb. Coward ! What do you mean, ma'am ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Sir, I'll not be insulted. I say, sir — 

Enter Rosemary, r. 

Rosem. Anybody call ? Oh, ma'am, what's the matter ? 

Mrs. Peachd. I only wish my lawyer was come ! 

Rosem. Your lawyer ? (Aside.) Here's a bit of luck ! He is 
come, ma'am. 

Mrs. Peachd. Is he ? 

Rosem. Yes, ma'am, come — I "showed him into that room. 
(Aside.) This way I can get him out in his new black. (Aloud.) 
He left his bag down stairs ; and, now I remember — I'm to 
take it him. [Exit, c. 

Snowb. I don't understand this. People brought into my 
house ! 

Mrs. Peachd. What ! Deny me every comfort ? Throw me 
*nto Chancery, and then refuse the melancholy satisfaction of a 
lawyer ? 

Re-enter Rosemary, carrying lawyer's bag, c. 

Rosem. Here's Mr. Boggle's papers, ma'am. (Aside to her.\ 
Only own him for your lawyer and he'll beat the best — (aside) 

2 



26 THE CATSPAW. [ACT II. 

and — with what's in this bag — the blackest of 'em. {Goes to 
door, l. s. e. Unlocks it.) Mr. Boggle, IVe brought up your 
papers. When you've gone over 'em and — (aside) — and they've 
gone over you, — Mrs. Peachdown, your client, wants to see 
you. (Throws bag into the room. 

Mrs. Peachd. You saw that bag ? You know not its contents ! 
(Aside) I'm sure / don't. 

Snowb. (Aside.) New documents ! More deeds ! 

Mrs. Peachd. I was prepared to sacrifice 'em on the altar of 
friendship. 

Rosem. (Aside.) And I have offered 'em on the altar 
of love. 

Snowb. (Aside) I'm wrong. She's a romantic fool, and 
after all, to be wheedled. My dear madam, — 

Mrs. Peachd. No, sir — no. You have hurt my woman's 
pride, and possibly you may have heard of a wounded lioness. 

Snowb. I wouldn't hurt a lamb ; specially if the lamb was a 
lady. 

Mrs. Peachd. I confessed my weakness, and you despised it. 

Snowb. Quite otherwise. I'm charmed with it. 

Mrs. Peachd. I showed you my heart even as — as a looking- 
glass. 

Snowb. You did; and I was delighted with what I saw 
there. 

Mrs. Peachd. I wish I could think so ! 

Snowb. Why not? What can't a woman think, if she's 
only resolute ? 

Mrs. Peachd. This is too much. Hope and fear, and fear 
and hope ! Much too much. (Affects violent emotion, laughing 
hysterically.) Oh, you've made me so happy ! 

Rosem. A fit — a fit of happiness. Help ! help ! 

Enter Cassandra and Petgoose, c. 

Cassan. What have you done, sir ? 

Snowb. Nothing. Very odd ; can't make a woman happy, 
but she goes into a fit. 

Petgoose. (Aside to Snowball.) Oh — I see. Nothing. 

Mrs. Peachd. I could have borne up against oppression, but 
his magnanimity is too much. 

Rosem. Quite melting. 

Mrs. Peachd. Noble creature ! Paragon of bachelors ! 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 27 

Petgoose. {To Snowball.) "What have you been about \ 

Mrs. Peachd. He has withdrawn his suit— 

Snowb. What,— I? 

Mrs. Peachd. And I feel a bird escaped from the net — a kid 
from the wolf. — a mouse from the cat. 

Snowb. {Aside to Petgoose.) Not a word of it true — she's 
in Chancery still. 

Mrs. Peachd. I knew it. I had but to find his generous 
heart — touch it — and — 

Snowb. { Violently) But you hav'n't found it — you hav'n't 
touched it — and more than that, never will, ma'am ! Never 
will! 

Petgoose. Are you mad ? Tour heart, indeed ! Mr. Snow- 
ball, do you court dissolution ? 

Snowb. {Aside to him) Anything but court the widow. 
She's brought her lawyer and I'm stone again. Stone ! 

Petgoose. Stone ! Sand — sand for death's hour-glass. Be 
quiet, or you hav'n't twenty minutes to run. ( Commandingly.) 
Tranquil ! An oyster, if you please ! An oyster ! 

Snowb. I'm getting to it — indeed, I am. 

Petgoose. {To Mrs. Peachd.) Mr. Snowball has an in- 
firmity that — who has not ? You, I understand, have an attor- 
ney who — 

Rosem. Oh yes ! {Runs and opens door l. s. e.) Mr. 
Boggle, Mr. Boggle, if you please. 

Enter Appleface, dressed in black, carrying bag, c. 

Apple/. Here I am. {Aside.) 'Spose it's all right : but the 
respectability's so sudden, it has nearly knocked me down. 

Rosem. {Aside.) Well, if they don't fit him, as if he'd been 
born for 'em ! 

Snowb. {Aside to Petgoose,) He looks a fool. 

Petgoose. {Aside to Snowball.) He may have his reasons 
for that, and be a greater rogue accordingly. 

Mrs. Peachd. {To Appleface.) Mr. Boggle, I've changed 
my mind — so you'll keep the documents there, safe. 

Apple/. Safe. {Aside.) Documents ! Yes, — drummer's uni- 
form. Sheepskin deeds. 

Mrs. Peachd. Mr. Boggle, you know I never wished to make 
enemies. 

Apple/ My own motto, ma'am. Why make enemies, when 
you're lucky if you don't find 'em ready made ? 



28 THE CATSPAW. T^CT II. 

Mrs. Peachd. Still, I must protect myself. 

Apple/. A kitten, if she could speak, could say no less. 

Mrs. Peachd. Therefore, I say — treasure the contents of that 
bag. They may make oppression tremble yet. 

Apple/. They may. (Aside.) But somebody else must 
carry 'em. 

Enter Servant, c. Gives letter to Snowball. 

Servant. Waiting an answer, sir. A friend, sir — he says — a 
dear friend of the late Lord Wintercough. Said something, too, 
about life and death. 

Snowb. Life and death ! It's in your way. (Gives letter to 
Petgoose.) Open it. 

Pet goose. Why, it's Latin. 

Snowb. Latin ! I'd a lot of it once, but I've mislaid it all 
somewhere. 

Petgoose. (To Appleface.) Of course, as an attorney, you 
know Latin ? 

Apple/ Of course — as an attorney. (Aside) I see, you 
don't. Go on ; we'll make it out between us. 

Petgoose. Between us ! (Reads) " Salutem" 

Apple/. Much as to say — " I salute you." 

Petgoose. (Reads) " In/elix harum scriptor — " 

Apple/ " I was a harum scarum fellow — " 

Petgoose. (Reads) " Olim societate nomen habebatP 

Apple/ " No man inhabiting better society." 

Petgoose. (Reads) " Nunc — " 

Apple/. " My uncle — " 

Snowb. What? 

Apple/ All right ; nunc is short for uncle. 

Petgoose. (Aside to Snowball.) His impudence is miracu- 
lous ; but we'll go on. (Reads) " Nunc autem annosus" — 

Apple/ " My uncle last autumn — " 

Petgoose. (Reads) " "Irna inopia obrutus — * 

Apple/. " Lost a fortune in opium — " 

Petgoose. (Reads) " Sine a?nico y sine re, male vestitus — " 

Apple/ Why, that is — (Taking letter from Petgoose.) I 
can pick it out better alone. (Affecting surprise as he reads) 
Well, I bless my stars, I'm an honest man ! 

Snowb. Are you sure ? 

Apple/ Otherwise, what a temptation ! (Half aside to Mrs. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 29 

Peachdown.) As your attorney, what's here doesn't leave us 
the spectre of a hope. Therefore, as your attorney, I feel it my 
duty to destroy the evidence. 

[Tears the letter to pieces, and throws them about. 

Snowb. Scoundrel! 

Apple/. Remember, — you're talking damages. 

Petgoose. Answer me, sir. Wherefore destroy that letter ? 

Apple/. Wherefore? -Self-defence is the clearest of all laws; 
and for this reason — the lawyers didn't make it. As for the 
letter, you can impound ftte pieces. Sir, you have trampled on 
this lady, my generous client, and as a gentleman who knows 
the extent of his profession, I'll stick at nothing. 

Snowb. Oh, ho ! That's it. [Aside to Servant!) Show up, 
instantly, the man who brought the letter. 

Mrs. Peachd. {Aside to Eosem.) What a treasure of a 
creature ! 

Rosem. A treasure indeed ! (aside) if she knew all. 

Apple/ We came prepared to give you everything. 

Mrs. Peachd. Everything. 

Apple/ And now, we won't give you even quarter. 

Coolcard, as Busby Knox, is shown in, c. 

Snowb. Now, sir, you sent a letter — you — 

Petgoose. Will you leave him to me ? You're name is — 

Coolc. Busby Knox, M.A. 

Petgoose. There, sir, is your letter. (Pointing to pieces.) 

Coolc. Alas ! even so the heart of genius — the feelings of the 
scholar — are torn and trampled on by the golden vulgar ! 

Snowb. No — not at all. Mr. Busby Knox, as for your uncle 
and his losses in opium, I'm sorry. And you being a scholar, it 
seems — 

Coolc. I wrote — sweet Alma Mater — in my mother tongue, 
to prove myself. And behold ! Thus is the scholar outraged ! 
Who — who is the man with the no heart to have done this ? 

Snowb. You shall be satisfied. I believe every syllable. 
But to business. You knew Lord Wintercough ? 

Coolc. Knew him ! he was the scholar's friend. At College, 
I wrote for him his prize poem, and he rewarded me — forgive 
this burst of feeling — with ready money, ready money, sir. 

Petgoose. (Aside.) Cries at ready money. Very suspicious, 
that. 



30 THE CATSPAW. [ACT II, 

Snowb. (Aside.) But I'll be cautious here. Not tricked 
twice. Pray, Mr. Busby Knox, did you know one Coolcard ? 
What's the matter ? 

Coolc. Coolcard ! The viper ! 

Petgoose. (Aside to Snowball.) And yet you will go about 
wrapping up vipers in five pound notes ! 

Cook. Coolcard ! I trust I'm a man of gentleness — I hope 
letters have not been lost upon me. Yes. Emollit mores, nee 
sinit esse feros ! I wouldn't hurt a # wasp — not even a wasp. 
But Coolcard — Augustus Coolcard ! Wherever I meet him, I 
shall feel myself a wretch indeed, if I don't break every villa- 
nous bone in his insufferable skin. 

Snowb. He said he was in the confidence of Lord Winter- 
cough. 

Coolc. He was, and he betrayed it. When I think of his 
baseness, when I know much that, in private, it is fit you 
know — 

Mrs. Peachd. We'll no longer intrude. Adieu, Mr. Snow- 
ball. You've rejected peace, and now — take care of the docu- 
ments, Mr. Boggle — now, war to the death. 

Snowb. War ! My flag's a black one. 

Apple/. Ours black and white. So a fig for costs, and war to 
the workhouse. 

Petgoose. This must not be. This is uncivil — savage. Fitter 
for Cherokees than — 

Posem. 'Tisn't for me to speak, but so it is, doctor. 

Petgoose. Why not go to law politely — pleasantly? Why 
not make the cause an agreeable exercise of the superior 
felings ? 

Snowb. (Aside.) I see his drift ; very politic. Mrs. Peach- 
down, will you take my hand ? 

Apple/. (Interposing.) Stop. It's wdthout prejudice ? 

Snowb. Without prejudice. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Shaking hands, and curtseying.) Without 
prejudice. 

Rosem. This is beautiful. JSTot going to law, and ruining 
one another like Hottentots, but Christians. 

Petgoose. (To Mrs. Peachdown.) Allow me, for my friend, 
to see you to the door. (Aside) I won't leave her yet. This 
way— 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 31 

(Petgoose gives his arm to Mrs. Peachdown. Cassandra 
takes the arm of Appleface. Appleface and Cool- 
card bow formally to each other. Bowing and curtseying 
on either side as they exeunt.) 

Snowb. {To Coolcard.) In this room, my dear sir — in this 
room. [Shows Coolcard into inner room. 

Rosem. (Manet.) Well r I'm sure ! In my own black, and 
takes no more notice of me than — I begin to have horrid 
doubts. Like 'em all, I'm afraid he's a wretch, but then he 
does look so much like a gentleman ! [Exit. 



END OF ACT II. 



ACT III. 

Scene I. — Suite of Apartments in Mrs. Peachdown's House. 
Captain Burg o net and Audley, shown in by Servant, c. 

Burgonet. Mrs. Peachdown gone out % 

Serv. Yes, Captain. 

Burgon. Very well — I '11 wait. 

Audley. And so will I. [Exit Servant^ Out or at home, 
she 's the strangest lady. 

Burgon. There 's the bitter and the sweet of it. Heigho ! 
Once I thought m^elf parson-proof; and here I am, liable at 
any moment to be blown into married blessedness. 

Audley. Then why not conquer the weakness ?- 

Burgon. Gratitude won't let me — it -gives me so much 
plaguy pleasure. But for this sudden wealth, we might have 
been married already. 

Audley. I see — with change of fortune comes change of 
mind. 'Tis like the world. 

Burgon. But not like my Harriet. She 's as high above the 
world, aye as a skylark when it sings the loudest. 

Audley. Hallo, Captain ! You 're become quite a poet. 



32 the catspaw. [act ni. 

Burgon. Not so bad as that, I hope. But this suit, Mr. 
Audley, it may last, you say — 

Audley. Why, I see a compromise, and come about it. 

Burgon. Compromise ! Let her give up every penny. 

Audley. And you would throw away this fortune ? 

Burgon. Why, I 'd rather have it ; still 'twould convince her 
of my devotion. You see, she 's all for the middle ages. 

Audley. And what she calls the good, extinct old virtues. 

Burgon. Some of 'em like extinct volcanoes, with a strong 
memory of fire and brimstone. Why with her, the world as it 
is, is a second-hand world — a world all the worse for wear. The 
sun itself isn't the same sun that illuminated the darling middle 
ages ; but a twinkling end of sun — the sun upon a save-all. 
And the moon — the moon that shone on Cceur-de-Lion's battle- 
axe — ha ! that was a moon. Now our moon at the brightest, 
what is it ? A dim, dull, counterfeit moon — a pewter shilling. 
All vast folly, and yet very delicious when she talks it. 

Audley. Yes. With a man in love 'tisn 't the words but the 
lips. Now, when you 're married — 

Burgon. I shall leave the service, and — 

Audley. Leave the service ! The gallant Hundred-and-Fourth 
will soon be a skeleton. 

Burgon. The Hundred-and-Fourth has suffered by marriage 
of late ; but what more ? 

Audley. I am concerned for a spinster to purchase her a 
husband out of your regiment. She 's saved the money for her 
bargain, and I only wait an answer from head-quarters to — 

Enter Mrs. Peachdown, c. 

Mrs. Peachdown. Pardon me, Mr. Audley. I've been de- 
tained on my way — detained to look at my Stonehenge. 

Audley. Stonehenge, madam ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Yes, such a model — made into a work-table. 

Burgon. Stonehenge a work-table ! We shall next have St. 
Paul's a money-box. 

Mrs. Peachd. Gramercy, Captain Burgonet ! Your worship's 
well, I trow ? 

Burgon. By my fackins, lady, — well as a poor man may be, 
who did not die four hundred years ago. 

Mrs. Peachd. By the mass, a grievous pity — you'd been 
mightily improved by this. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 33 

Audley. And Stonehenge, madam ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Such a success ! Yet mark the envy of small 
minds. I no sooner come out with Stonehenge as a work-table, 
than that horrid Lady Mummypit starts the Sphinx as a what- 
not. 

Burgon. Thus is genius scandalized by imitation. But take 
comfort, madam, nature herself — whom you must admire, she 's 
so old — nature meant it from the beginning. Nature made 
man, and then she made the monkeys. 

Mrs. Peachd. Apropos, have you heard of Lord Fossil ? 
Next week, he launches such a phaeton! The model of the 
war-chariot of Caractacus, with liveries — 

Burgon. After the manner, doubtless, of the ancient Britons, 
With the genms his Lordship has for going backwards, we may 
yet see him lodging in a cave, and boarding upon acorns. 

Mrs. Peachd. Picturesque creature ! he 's quite equal to it. 

Audley. And now, madam — 

Mrs. Peachd. And now. This horrid suit ! Why did I 
live in this drowsy, afternoon time of the world ? Why not in 
the roseate dawn of chivalry, when my own true knight — 
knights might be had for love, and not for money then — 
would have carried off my cause upon his lance, and me upon 
his palfrey afterwards ! 

Audley. But as the Chancellor won't fight, and as Mr. 
Snowball — 

Mrs. Peachd. Mr. Snowball ! Well, if things come to the 
worst, I shall mend them with a husband. 

Burgon. Mend them ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Mend them — patch them — what you will ? 

Audley. {Aside) Have a care, madam ; the Captain 's des- 
perate, and despite of Chancery, will marry you without a 
shilling. I come from Mr. Snowball, and — 

Burgon. Pardon me, / am come. And, madam, as I had 
first possession of the knocker, perhaps, in justice, I may ask 
first hearing ? 

Mrs. Peachd. What 's justice to the picturesque ? As Lord 
Fossil says, justice, reading, and writing have vulgarised man- 
kind. Still, we must make the best of evil days ; so, Captain, 
you shall have justice. {To Audley.) We shall not be five 
minutes. 

Burgon. Say seven, and you shall hold the watch. 

Audley. Take your time, madam — we never fail to charge it. 

2* [Exit c, 



34 THE CATSPAW. [ACT III. 

Mrs. Peachd. And now, Captain Burgonet, what do you 
want? 

Burgon. Your simplicity 's encouraging. Mrs. Peachdown, 
I want you. 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha ! ha ! ha ! The fox wanted the grapes. 

Burgon. That fox was a fool. Had he only waited, they 'd 
have fallen into his mouth. 

Mrs. Peachd. Do you sit up of nights to study compliments 
for women ? 

Burgon. Quite otherwise ; they come in my sleep, when 
I 've nothing better to do. 

Mrs. Peachd. Poor clayey creature! Would Sir Philip 
Sydney have said a thing like that ? But the whole race is 
degenerate. 

Burgon. The whole — men and women. Ha! why didn't I 
live in the time of your great-grandmother ? 

Mrs. Peachd. I wish you had, I 'm sure. 

Burgon. Women were women then. But women, now ! 
Less of heaven and more of earth. Still, from you I can ima- 
gine what your great-grandmother must have been. 

Mrs. Peachd. You can % 

Burgon. Can manage to make her out, as one guesses at 
departed perfection from a very weak and somewhat faded copy. 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha ! ha ! Excellent. And perhaps you wish 
I had really been my great-grandmother ? 

Burgon. To please you, I'll wish further back. I'll wish 
you had lived maid of honour to Queen Elizabeth, and — 

Mrs. Peachd. And what, sir ? 

Burgon. And died so ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha ! ha ! ha ! (Aside.) But he shan 't vex 
me. One favour more — think your wishes realised, and so good 
morning. 

Burgon. Stay. Coming so late among us, we must still do 
the best for you. 'Tis a cold world for one, but, warms up 
pretty well for a couple. So, there 's my hand. 

Mrs. Peachd. Let me cross it with a bit of gold, and I '11 
tell you your fortune. 

Burgon. A bit of gold ? What, now, if I've a wedding-ring ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Are wedding-rings the ordinary part of your 
luggage ? 

Burgon. Not a bachelor of the Hundred-and-Fourth without. 
'Tis our only defence against the sex. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 35 

Mrs. Peachd. Well, where is it ? I '11 wager my liberty for 
life, it doesn't fit. Come. {Offering her hand.) 

Burgon. {Affecting to search!) Some devil has picked my 
pocket. But I '11 fly and get another. 

Mrs. Peachd. Too late — time 's up — good day ! And bril- 
liant Captain, when next you think of bird-catching, don't for- 
get the net. {Going!) 

Burgon. This is folly. Now, Harriet — dear Harriet. I'm 
not impatient, but — 

Mrs. Peachd. No ? Yery good. I 'm not impatient either. 
So, you see, we both are bound in a mutual frost. 

Burgon. Confess. When this fortune was left, had you not 
half-named the day ? 

Mrs. Peachd. And Til now name the other half; and the 
whole shall be the day after I win my suit. 

Burgon. Your suit ! It may last these ten years. 

Mrs. Peachd. Well, you are not impatient. 

Burgon. I '11 answer for nothing. T&ere are feelings that — 
in a word, if a capricious, delicious woman, is waylaid, carried 
off, and bound for life in marriage bonds, all I say is — 

Mrs. Peachd. What? 

Burgon. Don't blame me. 

Mrs. Peachd. I shouldn't. Carry me off! And if you'd 
only don a bridal suit of chain-armour, and in the broad light 
of Hyde Park, run away with me upon a pillion — your white 
plume tossing for a marriage favour — the crowd huzzaing with 
all their strength, and I screaming with all my weakness, — but 
no ! you won't do it ! 

Burgon. No? 

Mrs. Peachd. No ; it is a pretty thing to talk about — but 
you'll never do it. Such a deed belongs to the dear middle 
ages. We live in two-penny times, when chivalry goes to 
church in the family coach, and the god of marriage bargains 
for his wedding-breakfast. No ! Nobody 's carried off now- 
a-days. 

Burgon. What say you? We'll revive the fashion, and 
have our pictures in the weekly papers, 

Enter Servant, c, and whispers to Mrs. Peachd own. 

Mrs Peachd. Lud, I'd forgot. Mr. Boggle — such a dear 
creature ! Don't stare. Shew him in. (To Servant, who goes 



36 THE CATSPAW. [ACT III. 

off.) So droll ; yet such a man of business ! He'll so amuse 
you. Me he has delighted. 

Burgon. Thank you, madam, I'd rather be dull. [Retires. 

Enter Appleface, as Lawyer, c. 

Mrs. Peackd. Good Mr. Boggle. 

Appleface. Dear Mrs Peachdown! (Aside.) When she 
speaks it's better than the band. 

Mrs. Peachd. You must stay to-dinner ? 

Apple/. With all the glory in life. (Aside.) I'm clean be- 
witched. I could refuse you nothing. Did you ever read a 
magic story, where a young man was changed into a moth, and 
a beautiful — beautiful woman turned into a wax-candle ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Never. 

Apple/. Ha ! That story will be true some day. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside) Why this is exquisite. Really, Mr. 
Boggle, the interest you've taken in my suit — the documents 
you say you have discovered — 

Apple/. Yes, ma'am. (Aside) What lies I've told her. 
But now, I'm sure of it ; when a man's really in love, lies go 
for nothing. 

Mrs. Peachd. Remember — we dine at eight. 

Apple/. (Aside.) And the roll-call's at nine. Never mind. 
They may take and shoot me in a hollow square, but they 
shan't shoot me without my dinner. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside) The captain takes the room like an 
angry lion. I'll chafe him still. Mr. Boggle, you must know a 
friend of mine — a dear friend. Oh, merely a friend. For as I 
was not too happy in my first match, you'd hardly think I 
should marry again. 

Apple/. Quite the contrary, ma'am. For I've heard say, 
that wedlock's like wine — not to be properly judged of till the 
second glass. 

Mrs. Peachd. Do you think so ? 

Apple/ Try it. 

Mrs. Peachd. In good time. But you must know the Captain — 

Apple/ Captain! 

Mrs. Peachd. Captain Burgonet. 

Apple/. Of the Hundred-and-Fourth ? (Aside.) My own 
Captain ! (To Mrs Peachdown.) Hush ! As he's your 
friend, I'll wink and let him slip. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 37 

Mrs. Peachd. Wink ! Let him slip ! 

Apple/. You see, as a lawyer I'm concerned against the 
Captain, and it would not be pleasant for us to meet. 

Mrs. Peachd. Concerned ! How ? 

Apple/. How ? The captain's a soldier. Peace, dull work. 
Must do something. No towns to take — take credit. No 
blood to shed — shed shopkeeper's ink ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Mysterious man ! You don't mean — 

Apple/. I do: 

Mrs. Peachd. Debt? 

Apple/. Deep ! 

Mrs. Peachd. [Aside.) This surprises — pains me. Very deep ? 

Apple/ So deep, I can't see the end of it. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside.) Foolish creature. And yet, the 
Captain's tastes — his habits — are so simple. 

Apple/ Yes — his habits. (Aside.) Must go through with 
it, now. He doesn't wear a diamond necklace. 

Mrs. Peachd. Diamond necklace ! 

Apple/ Nor diamond butterflies perching on diamond sprigs. 
Nor diamond snakes with green eyes twisted in true lovers' 
diamond knots — nor diamond — 

Mrs. Peachd. Impossible! 

Apple/ Then you hav'n't seen 'em ? 

Mrs. Peachd. I ? No ! 

Apple/ You 'stonish me ! 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside.) Debt were nothing ; but such debts ! 
Snakes, indeed. The deceit — the treachery ! How happy am 
I that I met this man ! No truth — no sincerity. As I thought, 
it is my fortune, not myself, that's sought. But I'll be assured — * 
assured. 

Apple/ Stop. A thought has struck me like a hammer. 

Mrs. Peachd. What is it ? 

Apple/ If you hav'n't seen the diamonds, you may. 

Mrs. Peachd. Pshaw ! You'll not go ? 

Apple/ I'd rather. As I said, I'm concerned — very much 
concerned. 

Mrs. Peachd. I see. Your client is the jeweller ? 

Apple/ Don't say I said so. (Aside) I didn't. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside.) His manner shall convince me. 
Captain — 

Apple/ (Restraining her.) My dear Mrs. Peachdown ! 



38 THE CATSPAW. [ACT III. 

Mrs, Peachd. {Bringing down Burgonet.) You must know 
my friend, Mr. Boggle. 

Burgon. (In astonishment) Boggle ! 

Mrs, Peachd, (Aside) Confused — astonished ! All's true. 
Well, at least I am undeceived. 

Burgon, Boggle ! Why, no — it can't — and yet — Mr. Boggle, 
have you any relation in the army ? 

Applef. ( With liandkerchief to his face,) Once had — a twin 
cousin. Ensign Flambeau — killed in Indy, and buried in laurel 
leaves like a baby in the wood. 

Burgon. (To Mrs. Peachdown.) Well, I could have sworn 
your friend was a — a military acquaintance of mine. 

Mrs. Peachd, (Aside) His duplicity is wondrous ! Yes, 
likenesses are so perplexing. But then, what really is, what it 
seems ? Who at once has the purity and truth of diamonds ? 
(Aside.) He doesn't blush ! The truth of our day's a butter- 
fly — at least a brilliant butterfly. (Aside.) Ha ! he shrinks at 
that. An idle thing that— 

Enter Servant, c, with letter. 

Serv. (Aside to Mrs. Peachdown.) From the Chevalier 
Podovy. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside.) The Chevalier Podovy — show him in. 

[Exit Servant, c. 

Burgon. Now, Harriet — what is all this? You speak 
riddles. 

Mrs. Peachd. Yes — riddles. Snakes in knots. 

Burgon. Snakes! 

Mrs. Peachd. In true-love knots, sir. 

Burgon. What do you mean ? 

Mrs. Peachd. And you can ask ? (Aside) If I stay, my 
passion will — How very dull ! Well, then, I'll be plain with 
you. 

Burgon. Thank you. 

Mrs. Peachd. Very plain. And my meaning is, diamond 
snakes with emerald eyes. Yes, Captain — emerald eyes. 

[Exit, l. 

Burgon. Emerald eyes, indeed ! and just now, she seems to 
look through them. Pray, sir, can you clear this ferment of — 

Applef. No, sir ; and won't try. Meddle with women in a 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 39 

ferment, and you disturb 'em all the more. Leave 'em alone, 
and it's wonderful how soon they clear themselves. 

Burgon. Come, there's wisdom in that — and wisdom gratis. 
[Aside.) I'll leave her to her fancies. A little wholesome 
coldness may recover her. In the meanwhile, since she dares 
me to carry her off, let me contrive to give grace to audacity, 
and make despair delightful. [Exit, c. 

Apple/. Did a beautiful widow with a face like a garden, and 
a bank of money, ever marry a drummer ? I think not. 
There's the greater reason it should happen now. Something's 
in the corner of her eye that takes my breath away. " You 
must stay to dinner." My heart went clean into a lump of 
honey, and I felt all over as sweet as a bee-hive. And at this 
very time I'm being bought into the marriage-service by Rose- 
mary ! Yes ; I've taken that person's shilling, and promised to 
be sworn in. Now Rosemary's nothing but a maid ; Mrs. 
Peachdown's a rich lady. I feel it. The star I was born under 
tells me to look up. If we didn't come into this world to better 
ourselves, we might as well have stayed where we were. [Retires. 

Enter Coolcard, c, as the Chevalier Podovy. 

Coolc. This is my second character to-day. Roguery ought 
to be well paid — it gives a plain man a deal of trouble. Some- 
times, I half wish I'd put up with honest bread — but my bread 
was so thinly buttered — honest bread is very well. It's the 
butter that makes the temptation. 

Apple/. (Aside.) Who's this ? Military moustachios, and 
nothing to match. Shave him, and there's an end of the sol- 
dier. Good day, general. 

Coolc. (Aside.) The widow's attorney. — Bon jour, Lord 
Chancellor. 

Apple/. How droll we should know one another at once ! 

Coolc. Not at all. Dere is a sort of great man dat vid no 
mistake find out de oder sort of great man. Ha ! ha ! De 
general cannot miss de chancellor. 

Apple/. To be sure. Not that I'm a chancellor. 

Coolc. Certainement. Not dat I'm a general. I am de 
Chevalier Podovy. 

Apple/ Of what country ? 

Coolc. None. 

Apple/. None ? Born in a balloon, perhaps ? 



40 THE CATSPAW. [ACT III. 

Goolc. De universe is my country — and all mankind my 
little broders and sisters. 

Applef Then upon my soul I can't say much for some of 
your relations. 

Cook. But I sail make England ! Oh, what I sail make 
England ! I am a citizen of de world, but — 

Applef. But you prefer to open shop with us ? 

Cook. But I sail make England so hot, no base foreigner sail 
come aniofh her ! 



Applef. How? 
Cook. How ! 



Enter Servant, l. 



Serv. [To Coolcard.) Mrs. Peachdown, sir, will see you. 

Cook. Je vole — I fly. How? You ask — how? Ecoutez — 
De fool ask how, and de wise man hold his tongue. 

[Exit, shoivn off by Servant, l. 

Applef Well, I thought I was a sharp one, but he's notched 
my razor. 

Enter Snowball, c. 

Snowball. My dear sir, ten thousand thousand pardons. 

Applef. Any number — hang arithmetic. 

Snowb. I have followed you even here ; — where is the sweet 
widow ? — here, to apologise — I was a little worse this morning. 
I — Mr. Boggle, are you a bachelor ? 

Applef. Let me see. Yes — I am. 

Snowb. And — I know all beside — young in business. A 
sweet wife with a little money, Mr. Boggle, is a nice thing. 

Applef. Yes ; nice with a little money. Nicer with a good 
deal. 

Snowb. My ward, Cassandra, has a little money ; she also 
has a heart. She also has — also — 

Applef. If it's an inventory, go on. 

Snowb. Mr. Boggle, as a man of honour, will you dine with 
me to-morrow ? Mind, this is not to prejudice the suit. I ask 
the man to dine, and not the lawyer. 

Applef. Sir, I shall be proud to dine upon the difference. 

Snowb. For, not even a lovely, sparkling girl with, as times 
go, not a little money, can win a man like Mr. Boggle from his 
line of duty. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 41 

Apple/. Couldn't do it. 

Snowb. No, sir ; as a lawyer, no doubt you'll deserve this 
epitaph : 

His line of duty- 
Was the line of beauty. 

Apple/. The very line I'm given to. 

Re-enter Burgonet, c. 

Burgonet. I've thought better of it. Here I'll stay till all's 
explained. (Seats himself* at back.) 

Apple/. The Captain again ! My heart drops like a bullet. 
[To Snowball.] Do you know him ? He's after Mrs. Peach- 
down. 

Snowb. He looks just like it. 

Apple/ He's been making love to her like a Saracen. 

Snowb. Monstrous ! 

Apple/ Swears he'll marry her before she knows it. 

Snoivb. And the suit not decided. What's to be done ? 

Apple/ Shoot him. 'Twill make you look all the handsomer 
in the eyes of the lady. I'm both your friends. The widow 
really loves you. 

Snowb. She does ? Frankly, I'd made up my mind to offer 
— had slipt from Petgoose ; and — it's very odd — I never leave 
him, that I don't feel the better for it. 

Enter Servant, c. 

Burgon. Does your lady know I am here ? 

Serv. Says, sir, she's busy. [Exit, c. 

Burgon. Busy ! ( To Appleface.) Perhaps, you, sir, as her 
lawyer, — 

Apple/ (Avoiding him.) Very busy. Not allowed to give 
particulars. 

Snowb. Yes, my dear friend Harriet — 

Burgon. Your friend ! Your name ? 

Snowb. Snowball. 

Apple/ All right. "Snowball v. Peachdown." Cause 
withdrawn. [Buns off, c. 

Burgon. You don't say withdrawn ? 

Snowb. Why not ? 

Burgon. You are the best of fellows — have made me the 



42 THE CATSPAW. [ACT III. 

happiest. I'll be married this very week, and upon the spot 
invite you to the wedding. 

Re-enter Mrs. Peachdown, l. 

My dear Harriet, Mr. Snowball — 

Mrs. Peachd. Mr. Snowball ! this return visit is kind, chi- 
valrous, and so like the middle ages. 

Burgon. But Mr. Snowball is — 

Mrs. Peachd. The spur of knighthood, and the plume of 
grace. 

Burgon. But Mr. Snowball — 

Mrs. Peachd. Will answer for himself. Talk, Mr. Snowball. 

Snowb. (Aside.) She's a sweet woman, after all. I will talk, 
give me time and place. 

Mrs. Peachd. Time and place ? Nothing so willingly. 

Burgon. (Aside,) Yes : she thinks to vex me. Ha ! ha ! 

Snowb. (Aside to her.) At a word, shall we dismiss the 
lawyers, and call in the parson ? 

Mrs. Peachd. We save anxiety. 

Snowb. And pocket costs. 

Mrs. Peachd. And law's uncertain. 

Snowb. And matrimony sure. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aloud) What, now, were I to prove a wild- 
goose and say there's my hand ? 

Burgon. Aye, what would Mr. Snowball answer i 

Enter Coolcard, l, who remains at back. 

Snowb. Answer? 

Burgon. There's the lady's hand, with her heart somewhere 
in it. Well, you wont take it ? 

Snowb. Why not ? 

Burgon. Why ? (Aside to him.) You're a dead man. The 
lady's hand ! I see your grave already made in it, and at this 
moment smell the gunpowder that sends you there. 

Snowb. (Aside.) Petgoose was right — I'm not strong. If I 
could marry her first, she wouldn't let me fight afterwards. 
Dispatch is all. (Aside to Burgonet.) Very well, sir — very well. 

Mrs. Peachd. Mr. Snowball, I am going to dinner. 

Burgon. You see — Mr. Snowball has no appetite. 

Mrs. Peachd. Your pardon, Captain. I never saw a hungrier 
gentleman. Will you lead me down ? 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 43 

Snowb. With rapture. But who could be hungry — vulgarly- 
hungry — before such a feast of roses ? 

Burgon. (Aside to Snowball.) You shall hear from me. 

Mrs. Peachd. I'm sorry, Captain, to appear inhospitable — 
but it's a business dinner. 

Snowb. Yes, business. (Aside.) If I could elope with her 
to-nio*ht ! 

Mrs. Peachd. A little peace-making banquet. Only three. 

Snowb. Peace, pleasure, and business. Two turtle-doves, 
and — 

Mrs. Peachd. And one attorney. 
[Mrs. Peachd own curtsies to Burgonet, and is led off by 
Snowball, r.] 

Burgon. This is too absurd. Nevertheless, I'll shoot him 
like— 

Coolc ( Coming down.) Shoot ! As de friend of Madame 
Pitchdown, I shall be proud to load your pistol. 

Burgon. You ! 

Coolc. Oui, Capitaine. I am a man of honneur, qui — 

Burgon. That is just possible ; but as I don't even fight upon 
a hurry, I won't burn priming on a doubt. [Exit, c. 

Coolc. Indeed? Nevertheless, and in despite of you, I'll 
turn the penny on your gunpowder. [Exit, c. 

end of act hi. 



ACT IV. 

Scene. — Snowball's house, as in Act I. 

Dust. (Discovered, with newspaper.) Ever since Rosemary 
told me of that annuity, I somehow always read the " Deaths " 
first. A weakness, I know ; but a nat'ral one. (Bell rings.) 

Enter Rosemary, r. 

Rosem. Why, John, that's Mr. Snowball's bell. 

Dust I know that — but 'tisn't Mr. Snowball that's ringing it. 



44 THE CATSPAW. [ACT IV. 

JRose?n. Not Mr. Snowball in his own bed ! 

Dust. No. You see he came home late, and brought along 
with him — 

JRosem. What am I about to hear ? 

Dust. Nothing — for I shan't tell you. {Going?) 

Rosem. John — Dust ! (Bell rings.) Never mind the bell. 
Brought, you say — 

Dust. Brought Mr. Boggle, his dear friend, as he called him. 

Rosem. (Aside.) My own Appleface — and sleeping here ! 

Dust. In my time IVe seen a deal of drink — both wine and 
spirits, but never in such a state before. 

Rosem. Was Mr. Boggle tipsy ? 

Dust. No — drunk. 

Rosem. (Aside) That he should have a vice, and I not 
know it ! 

Dust. Such doings ! Boggle hugged master, and swore 
that the house held the jewel of his life ; his diamond, his ruby, 
and his mother-of-pearls. 

Rosem. (Aside) Sweet, but imprudent. And what said 
master ? 

Dust. Master said 'twas a jewel for a king, and the very 
thing for Boggle. 

Rosem. (Aside.) I see it — he has confessed his passion, but 
said nothing of the drum. 

Dust. Then, going up stairs, Boggle tumbled into master's 
room, and master made off and tucked himself up in the Chi- 
nese chamber, whereupon — (Bell rings violently.) 

Rosem. Run ! Mr. Boggle may need something. Let us 
not forget hospitality — 'specially in the houses of other people. 

Dust. Hospitality ! Suppose now he wants more brandy- 
and-soda ? 

Rosem. Repentance in any way is a virtue — let him have it. 
[Exit Dust, l.] That he should have slept under the same roof 
— the same roof ! 

Enter Snowball, l, in morning gown. 

Snowb. Down before Petgoose, so he won't know where I 
slept. Droll man that Boggle, but so he marries Cassandra 
and — what, Rosemary ! 

Rosem. (Aside.) He knows my secret — he speaks so soft. 

Snowb. Rosemary, I'll trust you. I think of changing my 
adviser. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 45 

Rosem. Couldn't do better, sir. That Petgoose ! He rolls 
you round and round like one of his own Paradise Pills. 

Snowb. I mean — I shall marry. 

Rosem, Why not, sir ? It's your duty. You know, sir, we're 
not like the phoenixes ; we can't live and die single, and leave a 
son and heir in our cinders. I, sir, intend to marry, too. 

Snowb. And when ? 

Rosem. 'Tisn't for me just now to name the time, but to bow 
to it when it comes. 

Snowb. Such resignation is delightful. 

Doctor Petgoose. ( Without, l.) Call immediately — two 
coaches. Two ! 

Snowb. That's Petgoose. Two coaches ! Never going 
out in both ! 

Rosem. Shouldn't wonder, sir. When he likes, he can 
make himself big enough for anything. 

Enter Petgoose, l, drest to go out 

Snowb. Abroad so early ! What calls you out ? 

Petgoose. My reputation. Do you think I'll wait till the. 
hatchment's over the door ? 

Snowb. Hatchment, for what ? Your reputation ? 

Petgoose. No satire, Mr. Snowball. Die you may, as you 
will, and soon ; but you shall not die to disgrace me. 

Snowb. I'm quite ready to bear all the disgrace myself; but 
what have I done ? 

Petgoose. Done ! You dine out. You eat — how do I know 
what you eat ? I repeat it — how do I know what you eat ? 
You drink the night-air ; and that's not all. You sleep out of 
your own bed ; and to concentrate all the horrors of life in two 
devastating syllables— damp sheets ! 

Snowb. No! 

Rosem. No! 

Petgoose. [To Rosemary.) Silence ! 

Rosem. I sha'n't. I consider damp sheets an aspersion on 
the female character, and I won't bear it. 

Petgoose. I say, damp sheets. I give your nerves two hours ; 
and then, you'll be tied up every bit of you in a million knots. 
— Yes, an inextricable human bundle ! 

Snowb. (Aside.) Can it be ? 

Petgoose. I proceed to your apartment, smelling alcohol — 



46 THE CATSPAW. [ACT IV. 

Rosem. {Aside) That's genteel for brandy. 

Petgoose. When I find — 

Snowb. Boggle, the attorney. Droll fellow ! How is he ? 

Petgoose. In the first stage of sobriety, but incoherent. 
Talks of hollow squares, and deep files — 

Snowb. Thinking of the Inns of Court, no doubt. 

Petgoose. Executions and muffled drums. 

Rosem. {Aside.) Oh ! it comes with a crash upon me ! 
He's slept out of barracks — he's a deserter — he's shot and lost. 
He shall never leave the house — never leave his room ! Yes, 
I'm determined, sooner than be killed in that way, I'll call in 
the doctor, and he shall never — never leave his bed ! [Exit, c. 

Snowb. And you are really going ? 

Petgoose. {Seating himself and talcing off gloves.) Inexorably 
— going. Die in any hands you will, you shall not die.in mine. 

Snowb. Pooh-pooh, you mistake. I'm now quite well. 
And I begin to feel that my weakness has been too much 
physic. 

Petgoose. You will not insult the faculty, Mr. Snowball ? 

Snowb. Oh no. Still I must say, I've swallowed so many 
of your Paradise Pills, it's a wonder I hav'n't followed their 
direction. 

Petgoose. And this is human gratitude ! But as I observe 
in my " Pearls " — to the ungrateful there is no past. However, 
I am gone — gone. 

Enter Dust, c. 

Dust. Both coaches at the door, Doctor. Got 'em myself. 

Petgoose. Very well. — ( Violently.) Very well. [Exit Dust, c. 

Snowb. One, I take it, for you — one for your luggage ? We 
part friends, I hope ? For though I'm a giant now, you have 
done me good. 

Petgoose. Oh no ! Not I. 

Snowb. Yes, you have. I was weak, but you have reno- 
vated — 

Petgoose. Weak — renovated ! Mr. Snowball, I found you a 
grasshopper — I leave you a rhinoceros. 

Snowb. And I'm thankful — and there's my hand. Good 
bye. 

Petgoose. {Taking Snowball's hand and gradually feeling 
pulse.) Yes, we shall always be friends — always. How the 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 47 

old pressure of this hand almost softens my resolution ! I who 
know so well your system, know not the texture of my own 
heart. Snowball ! 

Snowb. Petgoose ! 

Petgoose. One question. Think you, as a physician and a 
friend, I'd leave you with a pulse like this ? 

Snowb. Can't say. 

Petgoose. You can't ? Then still you have to know me. 
Never — never ! (Embraces him.) 

Re-enter Dust, c. 

Dust. Got your boxes in, Doctor. What next ? 

Petgoose. What next, fellow ? Get them out again. 

(Dust gives letter to Snowball.) 

Snowb. ( Opening letter) " The Chevalier Podovy." " Im- 
portant bus'ness." [Aside to Dust.) Say I'm out. 

Dust. {Aside to Snowball.) Says he must see you. 
Comes from Captain Burgonet. 

Snowb. [Aside) 'Tis a challenge. The Captain ! Why, 
he'd bring me down like a tumbler pigeon. What's to be 
done ? (Stands, as if suddenly transfixed by pain) Oh ! oh ! 

Petgoose. What's the matter ? 

Snowb. Damp sheets ! Oh ! 

Petgoose. Rheumatism — I knew it. 

Snowb. Discharge every woman in the house ! Oh ! Damp 
sheets ! 

Petgoose. Humph ! Where's the pain ? 

Snowb. Where is it ? Where isn't it ? Not an inch of nerve 
that isn't a needle. 

Petgoose. I foretold this — I knew it. Yet do I boast ? Do 
I triumph ? 

Snowb. A chair ! If I could only sit down. (To Dust.) 
Don't touch me ! A touch of your little finger and I'm cut in 
a million pieces. 

Petgoose. (Aside) He- has no more rheumatism than a 
cricket. What's in the wind ? 

Snowb. (Having gradually seated himself) Eoses ! roses ! 

Dust. Is the pain all over you, sir ? 

Snowb. From head to foot. Ha ! we're poor creatures ! To 
think that two or three yards of damp flax should so knock 
down the majesty of man ! Oh ! From head to foot ? 



48 THE CATSPAW. [ACT IV. 

Petgoose. The attack general, the remedy must be general 
too. My dear friend, I shall steep you in the very purest 
vinegar — 

Snowb. Vinegar! 

Petgoose. Diluting the very strongest mustard. I shall. 

Snowb. The devil you will ? 

Petgoose. And now I hope you'll acknowledge what a blessing 
it is I didn't leave the house ? 

Dust. What, sir, shall I say to the gentleman ? 

Snowb. Show him in. {Exit Dust, c] Must see him. My 
honour is concerned. A duel. 

Petgoose. A duel ! You fight ! You can't stand. 

Snowb. Not a leg. And it has just struck me that you may 
give the fellow a certificate to that effect. 

Petgoose. A duel ! My dear friend, now I don't wonder 
you're as bad as you are. 

Enter Coolcard as Podovy, c. 

Coolcard. Monsieur Snowball, I have de honneur — 

Snowb. Don't come near me. Doctor, tell the Chevalier how 

bad I am. 

Petgoose. Mr. Snowball is in an alarming condition. The 
action of his heart is specific. The rate of his pulse terrific. 
His sanguineous system mephitic — and, in short, not a single 
symptom that is not mortific. 

Snowb. You hear, sir ? 

Petgoose. I wouldn't say as much before any patient. But I 
know Mr. Snowball's moral strength. His body is weak, but 
his mind tremendous. Yes, a sword — a Damascus blade in a 
brown paper scabbard. 

Coolc. Cest bien. For de sooner he sail draw de sword — 

Snowb. I draw a sword ! Look at me. Couldn't draw a 
toothpick. 

Coolc. Cest bien. Den you sail fight with pistolets. 

Snowb. Pistols! With pleasure, but — look at me ! — couldn't 
pull a trigger. • 

Coolc. Bah I A leetel new-born babe sail pull a trigger. 

Snowb. Yes, but — look at me ! — I can't stand. 

Coolc. (Test bien — you sail sit. Den if de bullet hit you — 
tant mieux — you sail not tomber — tumble. 

Snowb. (Forgetting himself.) Zounds, sir — I — oh ! There 
y 0U see J (Drops in chair.) 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 49 

Petgoose. (To Snowball.) You will use the sword — you 
won't think of the paper! (To Coolcard.) What is this, 
sir ? "Why do you break in upon — (to Snowball) will you 
allow me the expression ? — a dying man ? 

Coolc. Dying man no need of wife. Mr. Snowball sail give 
up Mrs. Pitchdown — 

Snoicb. Never! I'll perish first — that is, when I'm well 
enough to perish. 

Petgoose. Very right. For to perish in your present state 
would be no compliment to any woman. 

Snowb. Sir, — you are Captain Burgonet's friend — his bosom 
friend f 

Cook. Assuriment. I carry him round and round my finger, 
as you carry dat sparkling ring. 

Snowb. Say, then, when I'm well, I shall be only too happy 
to fight — describe my condition and — will you do me another 
favour — accept this ring ? 

Petgoose. Mr. Snowball! 

Snowb. And, however this matter may end, wear it for my 
sake. Gently. ( Offers his finger) Gently ! 

Coolc. (Tenderly taking off ring.) Monsieur! Are you 
better, now ? 

Snowb. I do feel relieved. And I may count upon your 
friendship ? 

Petgoose. Can't do otherwise. Real friendship, now — goes 
upon a diamond. 

Coolc. (Aside) Luck beyond my hopes ! And now to make 
off, while the luck lasts. Monsieur, I sail tell how sick you are. 
And I sail come every day to watch your pillow, and say a leetel 
prayer. And so, courage! You sail soon be upon your leg — 
sal] soon receive a bullet like a lion, and fall like a man. 

Saowb. Thank you. 

Coolc. Adieu, mm clier ami. (Embracing Snowball. 

Snowb. Murder ! My nerves ! 

Coolc. Pardon ma sensibilite. The captain sail wait. Par- 
don — ct encore, adieu — adieu. [Exit, c. 

Petgoose. How are you now ? 

Snowb. Better. 

Petgoose. And you intend to marry the widow? 

Snowb. I do — rheumatism permitting. 

3 



50 THE CATSPAW. [ACT IV. 

Enter Cassandra, r. 

Cassan, Rosemary's told me all. Last night — that dreadful 
bed ! But be comforted : I'll send away all the maids. 

Snowb. You're very good — but I'm better. 

Cassan. That you should be ill, now! (Aside to Snowball.) 
For who think you is here — comes, she says, to see me ? 

Snowb. Not Mrs. Peachdown ? You didn't say I was ill ? 

Cassan. A little ill — delicate. And you know our sex, she 
seemed to like you all the more. 

Petgoose. (Aside.) The widow here ! I feel an impulse of 
bold benevolence. She must and shall be saved from this 
miserable cripple. (To Snowball.) My dear friend, I go to 
provide your comfort. A hot bed — strong vinegar and — 

Snowb. But I'm better. 

Petgoose, Better! I keep up my spirits but — you were 
never worse. My dearest friend, the pericardium — the peri- 
cardium. [Exit, l. 

Snowb. (Leaving chair) You see I'm well — only weak. 
And Mrs. Peachdown. — 

Cassan. You've quite bewitched her. I was always her 
confidante, though younger than she, before — 

Snowb. By the way, what — exactly — is the widow's age ? 

Cassan. Well, sir, I knew how old she was five years ago, 
but I can't say how young she is now. But as I was saying, 
before that foolish quarrel that separated the families, I was 
always in her confidence, and — yes, you have fixed the butter- 
fly. What a wife she'll make ! 

Snoivb. Think so? Well, Til make a husband for you. 
Will you have him ? 

Cassan. Have him ? Whom ? Happiness is — 

Snowb. Oh, you must be happy. He'll keep his coach in a 
twelvemonth. But you've seen him — it's Boggle. A droll 
fellow, but deep — and loves you with — 
• Cassan. Boggle ! Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Snoivb. What ! laugh at an honest man's affection ? 

Cassan. Oh, I only laugh to escape emotion. The louder I 
laugh the deeper I feel. Boggle ! Ha ! ha ! 

Enter Mrs. Peachdown, r. 

Mrs. Peachd. Dear Mr. Snowball ! 
Snowb. Dear Mrs. Peachdown — Harriet ! 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 51 

Mrs. Peachd. Why, I thought to find you immoveable. A 
statue — a marble statue. 

Snowb. If I was flint, there are eyes that with a twinkle 
would make me flesh again. 

Mrs. Peachd. I never will forgive that Petgoose. He told 
me you were bound in rheumatism — motionless as a mummy. 
That you were only alive in your tongue ; in fact positively dead 
to all the world, except the undertaker. 

Snowb. Look at me. 

Mrs. Peachd. Then it's all untrue ? You'll not wither in 
your chair like an overkept nut in its shell ? And you'll not sit 
torpid in the world like a frog in a stone ? And you are better 
than clay, and quite as quick as fuller's-earth ? 

Snowb. Frogs and fuller's-earth ! What d'ye mean ? 

Mrs. Peachd. I but repeat the doctor. He said, henceforth 
you'd be a canker and a trouble. A blight to orange blossoms 
— a paralysis to love! And you are not? No — you can 
move ! Move — you can walk ! Walk — you can dance ! 

(Snowball, as she speaks, walks, and dances about.) 

Snowb. [Dancing briskly.) No blight in this, I think — no 
paralysis here. 

Mrs. Peachd. Well, I am disappointed. 

Cassan. Disappointed ? 

Snowb. Would you have preferred the frog, the clay, and — 

Mrs. Peachd. Selfishly speaking, — yes. For then I had 
shown the world it was your mind I valued — your mind, sir ; 
whether blazing in the brightest lamp, or twinkling in the 
darkest lanthorn. 

Snowb. And the doctor said I was dying- — gone ? 

Mrs. Peachd. He said there wasn't in you life enough to 
ornament the earth, or death enough to enrich it. 

Snowb. Damp sheets, nothing more. A stitch in the nerves 
— -just a stitch, that's all. The traitor ! But I 've done with 
him, as I '11 prove, done with him and his Pills of Paradise, too. 

[Takes pill-box from pocket) 

Enter Rosemary, r. 

Rosem. The Doctor not here, sir ? 

Snowb. Rosemary — take these pills and — ( Offering pill-box) 
Rosem. Thank you, sir — but I always refused the Doctor 
himself. 



52 THE CATSPAW [act IV. 

Snowb. Take 'em, and throw 'em into the street. 

Rosem. Consider, sir. Some unoffending dog may find 'em. 

Snowb. Where is the doctor ? 

Rosem. That's what I want to know, Mr. Boggle's so very- 
ill. [Aside.) If Petgoose would only shave his head and put 
blisters to his feet, I should be a happy woman. 

Snowb. Ill !. I must see him, for in my pocket here — bless 
me ! — [seeing morning-gown) — this robe — Mrs. Peachdown, ten 
thousand pardons — I fly to change. Yes, my dear lady, I fly 
— and frogs don't fly. The quack, I've done with him for ever. 
And for the orange-blossoms — you may prepare them — indeed 
— garland them — (sings.) u I love her, how I love her !" — no 
paralysis here, I think—" Tol lol lol lol lol lol." - 

[Exit singing and dancing, l. 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha ! ha ! ha ! The dance of dissolution ! 

Cassan. What could make the Doctor so exaggerate ? 

Mrs. Peachd. You here behold the irresistible cause. The 
Doctor is pleased to save me from his patient. My beauty — 
thus speaks the Doctor — my beauty, like a wreath of roses, 
would only crown a death's head ; my virtues — says the Doctor 
— would only shine, like stars, upon a tombstone ; and finally — 
and again the Doctor — to go to church with Mr. Snowball, 
would be to act chief mourner at the funeral of my own felicity. 

Cassan. The insolence of this Petgoose ! 

Mrs. Peachd. In his own words, the Doctor would snatch me 
from imbecility to the very rudest of health. Well, at least 
there's sport in it — sport that may beguile the heart-ache. 

Cassan. The heart-ache ! Harriet ? 

Mrs. Peachd. My dear, I Ve been so deceived. Fortunately, 
Mr. Boggle, as the lawyer of — 

Cassan. You have been deceived. The man is no lawyer ; 
'twas but the whim of the minute. Would you think it, 
Bogg'le is — 

Rosem. Don't, miss. I don't mind your saying what he's 
not, so that just now you don't say what he is. 

Mrs. Peachd. Why, what is this ? He professed to tell me 
of— 

Captain Burgonet is shown in by Servant, c. 

Captain Burgonet ! 

Burgon. Your pardon, ladies — the man has mistaken. I 
would see Mr. Snowball. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 53 

Cassan. I will seek him. (To Mrs. Peachdown.) I'll 
leave you— indeed, I will. Come, Rosemary. 

Rosem. (Aside to Cassandra.) If they discover him, they'll 
shoot him ! If they shoot him, they kill me ! I feel it — two 
turtles with one bullet ! [Exeunt Cassandra and Rosemary, l. 

Burgon. To see you here, madam, is a pleasure I looked not for. 

Mrs. Peachd. If there be pleasure in the meeting, you've the 
best right to enjoy it, since 'tis all your own. 

Burgon. No, Harriet, you can't be bitter if you would. For 
the little loves sit in your eyes, and laugh every syllable into 
sweetness. Still, I am surprised to see you in this house. 

Mrs. Peachd. This house ! Wait awhile, and even you may 
own that I have the best, the dearest right to it. 

Burgon. Impossible. Yesterday I was fool enough, for five 
minutes, to be jealous. But, jealous of Snowball ! No ; even if 
I could doubt your constancy, I must respect your taste. 

Mrs. Peachd. Taste ! Mr. Snowball is a man of solid quali- 
ties. A man, too, whose delicacy of constitution only harmo- 
nises with the refinement of his soul. His health may be weak, 
but his principles are oak — yes, sir, oak. 

Burgon. Excellent principles, no doubt, to go to sea with. 
But for matrimony, madam, something more is needed than 
principles, however close the grain, and however susceptible of 
polish. Didn't his principles throw you into Chancery ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Only that his affection — his chivalrous affec- 
tion — might take me out again. 

Burgon. And now, as he fears the worst, now that all his 
guns will be carried by law, he hopes to turn church bells to his 
best artillery. But I come to have some talk with him. For 
though I may not marry you — indeed, on second thoughts, I 
don't think I would marry you — 

Mrs. Peachd. Sir ! 

Burgon. Nevertheless, you deserve better treatment than 
Snowball. 

Mrs. Peachd. Better! (Aside.) But I'll punish him ! With 
such a husband, life doubles its felicity. The roses are multi- 
plied, and the thorns are nought. With such a man — but here 
the dear enchanter comes ! 



Unter Snowball, drest, l. Burgonet retires. 
My dear sir, why, you look better every minute. 



54 THE CATSPAW. [ACT IV. 

Snowb. And I feel sparkling. 

Mrs. Peachd. And you hold your resolution ? You dismiss 
that dreadful doctor ? 

Snowb. The Doctor ! Like a mouse in a cheese, he has 
grown fat upon my constitution. I renounce him. For here's 
my doctor now. Those eyes, those lips ! The light and balm 
of life. I grow a giant while I gaze. I drink elixir vitce 
while — (Burgonet comes down ; Snowball, on seeing him, is 
again suddenly crippled) — Oh ! oh ! Rheumatism — a steel 
lance, clean between my shoulders down — down to my right heel ! 

Mrs. Peachd. My dear sir — 

Snowb. Don't — there's an angel — don't touch me. A 
feather — even a feather — laid upon me — you can't think it — 
but even a feather ! 

Burgon. Rheumatism ? Not the sort of complaint that turns 
the single roses of life into double ones ? 

Snowb. Sir, the man who jokes with rheumatism is — is — but 
no, I may be on the rack, but I'll be dignified. 

Mrs. Peachd. Suffering so endured is quite sublime. 

Snowb. What, though crippled, I have your affection ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Don't mention it. Crippled — affection ! Oh, 
sir, I care not to confess it, were you immovable, I should quite 
adore you. 

Snowb. You hear, Captain — touching, delightful ? And 
Captain, after what your friend witnessed — 

Burgon. My friend ! 

Sncnvb. I did not expect this visit. And, sir, in my helpless 
condition I — I — oh — 

Enter Petgoose, followed by Cassandra, l. 

Petgoose. As I expected. You see, madam — you see ! 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside to him.) I thought your fears enlarged 
the danger. He looks ill ! 

Petgoose. (Aside.) Looks ! but for his obstinacy of character, 
he ought to look twice as ill. (To Snowball.) My dear 
friend, how do you feel ? 

Snowb. Feel I I feel as if I w^as turned into a hedgehog, and 
the hedgehog turned the wrong way. 

Petgoose. Of course, I knew you did — the pericardium. 

Burgon. And do you mean to certify that the gentleman is 
in danger ? 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 55 

Petgoose. Sir, I am Mr. Snowball's doctor, and therefore 
know he's in the greatest danger. 

Snowb. [Aside.) The scoundrel ! Never better ! 

Petgoose. Repose is his only hope. Yes. Tranquillity and 
sudorifics. 

Enter Rosemary, l. 

Rosem. The bed's burning hot, Doctor. And the boiling 
vinegar and — 

Petgoose. And hold — prepare some hot bricks. 

Rosem. Red hot ? 

Petgoose. Not quite. [Exit Rosemary, l.] Heat and 
tranquillity in a few weeks may do much. 

Mrs. Peachd. A few weeks ! Say not a few weeks. 

Snowb. No — a few days. (Aside to her.) My life, I'm not 
so bad — but humour the Doctor — let him have his way. 

Mrs. Peachd. You'll soon be well. 

Snowb. Your wishes will be my best medicine. (Aside to 
her.) Don't say a word — you shall hear from me — I'll be well 
to-morrow. 

Petgoose. Where are the servants ? (Enter Servants.) "" Carry 
Mr. Snowball to his room. 

(The Servants are about to lift the chair.) 

Mrs. Peachd. Gently — gently. Pray take care. 

Snowb. Bless you ! 

Mrs. Peachd. In a few weeks ? 

Snowb. A few weeks. (Aside to her.) To-morrow. 

Burgon. (Aside to Petgoose.) And is he so very ill ? 

Petgoose. (Aside to Burgonet.) Sir, if he isn't, I'll stake 
my reputation that he will be. 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha, Doctor ! 

Petgoose. Ha, madam ! But restrain your tears, and let us 
to luncheon. 
[Servants carry off Snowball in chair, Rosemary attending. 
Petgoose offers Mrs. Peachdown his arm ; and Bur- 
gonet follows with Cassandra. 



end of act IV. 



66 THE CATSPAW. f ACT V. 



ACT V. 

Scene. — In Snowball's House. The same as in previous Act 

Enter Rosemary, c. as from the Street. 

JRosem. Here it is— (producing it) — the lovely parchment, 
the Horse Guards instrument, as Mr. Audley calls it, that 
makes my Appleface my own. He may now sink in his easy 
chair and put up his drum-sticks for life. Yes — yes — IVe 
bought him from ball-cartridge, and — (kissing parchment) — 
here's the acknowledgment. When married, I think I shall 
have it framed, and hang it over Our domestic chimney-piece. 
How he'll doat upon me ! But let me fly to him — for he 
doesn't know that I've been out. No ; I'll surprise him in his 
misery, and whilst he lies shaking at the thoughts of muffled 
drums, and — why, here he comes, laughing and — and with 
him Miss Cassandra ! Suspicions cut across me, but be still, 
my heart, although I have paid the money. [Retires. 

Enter Appleface and Cassandra, c. 

Cassan. ISTo — you're safe ; as yet I've kept your secret. 

Apple/. And I wish I could pay you as I ought for the trouble. 
But I've nothing but my hand and my heart, if they're of any 
service to you. 

Cassan. Service ! to me ! 

Apple/. "Why, Mr. Snowball thought they might be useful. 

Cassan. But, then, Mr. Snowball thought you a gentleman. 

Apple/. What of that ? When we're well married, 'twill be 
time enough to be found out. 

Cassan. (Aside.) The fellow's insolence is delicious. (Seeing 
her.) What — Rosemary ? Then she shall punish him. You 
know, my fortune — 

Apple/ Isn't much ; but contentment makes such a lump of 
a little. (Aside.) If she'd only marry me, and carry me out 
of the country ! 

Cassan. Again, would ycu break Rosemary's heart? 

Apple/ Couldn't do it. Break ft J Couldn't even chip it. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 57 

Cassan. But gratitude ! Isn't the poor thing going to buy 
you out ? 

Apple/. Yes — out and out. And after all, I don't like it. 
You see, it's being bought by a woman like a fancy poodle. I 
should always feel as if I'd got a dog-collar about my neck, with 
my wife's name cut upon it. 

Cassan. Then you're not false, only — 

Apple/. Only independent. (Aside.) She softens ! Nothing 
can resist the Hundred-and-Fourth. Is it a stolen match — a 
runaway ring ? Will you give me your hand ? 

Cassan. Spare my confusion. 

Apple/ I will — I won't see it. {Turns away his head.) Now, 
then — 

Cassan. (Beckons down Rosemary who, a/ter a struggle, 
places her hand in the hand of Appleface, as Cassandra 
speaks.) Now, then — the hand that's given you — don't look 
yet— 

Apple/ I won't, but I must squeeze. 

Cassan. The hand carries it's heart. Honour, deserve, and 
cherish it. [Exit, r. 

Apple/ I must — I do — I will — and now, one kiss — 

Rosem. At your peril. No — never again ; never— if I 
perish ! 

Apple/. My dearest, only love — my — 

Rosem. No crocodile words for me. Monster ! 

Apple/. Why will you mistake me ? Don't you see I did it 
on purpose ? I knew your hand as if it was my other one. 
Besides, I heard you before. 

Rosem. Heard me ! 

Apple/ Heard the rustling of your precious gown. I'd pick 
it out from the Queen's whole drawing-room. Why, my Rosy, 
darling, do you think any woman on this 'versa! earth could 
rustle like you ? Arn't you satisfied ? 

Rosem. Satisfied ! You that I was going to buy out — you 
that, I may say, I scraped together shilling by shilling ! You 
— but I shall be satisfied ! 

Apple/ I hope so ! 

Rosem. Sweetly satisfied — for you'll be shot. And do you 
think I'll grieve — I'll shed a tear ? No — deceiver ; quite the 
reverse. Now I know my strength. They'll shoot you for a 
deserter, and in a new white-watered silk, with only a bottle of 
salts, I'll see the sight ! 

3* 



58 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Apple/. What-! The husband you have purchased ? The 
man of your heart and cash ? 

Rosem. The fancy poodle, with his ready-money collar ? 

Apple/. Anything you please ; your pet — your slave — your 
husband — drummer — friend ! 

Rosem. [Aside) Hold ! If he knows I've paid the money, 
he may make the debt a debt of honour, and never marry me ! 

Apple/ See me shot ! As if those cruel eyes had not more 
power than ball ? I'm shot already if my Rosy frowns. 

Rosem. Oh, I dare say. Much you care. But it's like the 
army ! Win a woman's heart, and then break it into little 
pieces. Break it, did I say ? — chip it ! Alexander, I couldn't 
have believed it. 

Apple/ Then don't. When I'm shot, indeed — as I feel I 
shall be — I should like to leave you, at least — 

Rosem. What? 

Apple/ My widow. 

Rosem. Don't — and yet 'twould be a horrid consolation ! 

Apple/. 'T would give you a right, a license I may say, to 
weep and be unhappy. 

Rosem. I feel the dreadful privilege. 

Apple/. And will you have it ? (Aside.) I know she's saved 
enough to take us both to America. Rosy ? 

Rosem. Alexander ! (Aside.) And when I've safely married 
him, I may give him his discharge at the church-door. 

Apple/. For after all that's passed, I shouldn't like to go off 
a bachelor — to die in my bloom like a single pink. And so — 
even though shooting should be sure — you'll marry me ? 

Rosem. You don't deserve it, but I'll be your widow. 

Apple/ You will ? (Aside.) We'll have a cabin passage to 
New York. My widow ! Then at the worst, when all the 
double flowers of married love are blown and gone — 

Rosem. 'Twill be at least a comfort to enjoy the weeds. 

Exeunt, c. 

Enter Mrs. Peachdown and Cassandra, r. 

Mrs. Peachd. Positively, an invitation to elope ! (reads letter.) 
" Knowing your heart " — 'tis thus the sick man writes — " I 
have made all preparations. Attend, my angel " — meaning me 
— " and approve. To-night, we'll leave for Dover, cross to 
France — be married to-morrow and — and " — this I cannot de- 
cypher. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 59 

Cassan. (Taking letter.) " And be in raptures ever after." 

Mrs. Peachd. Ha ! no wonder I stopped at that. 

Cassan. But why steal a match ? You're both of age ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Purely out of doting love for me. Mr. Snow- 
ball would avoid the Captain's wrath — it might be dangerous. 
Such I know the cause, although the patient's delicacy has sup- 
pressed it. 

Cassan. And you come — 

Mrs. Peachd. For double sport. To tease the Captain, and 
to test the sick. Knowing that Burgonet will seek me at 
home — and since he's innocent, I must forgive him — I left a 
letter that business called me here, with strict injunction that 
he should not follow. 

Cassan. Oh ! And Mr. Snowball the sufferer, above ? 

Mrs. Peachd. I've such a touchstone for his truth ; poverty, 
my dear. For half-an-hour, I propose to be penniless ; my 
fortune vanished, and my cause without a hope. 

Cassan. Why, do you doubt the result ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Doubt it ? no. But 'twill be such pastime to 
see his change. The creature's passion, like a dolphin, will die 
all colours. And then — 

Cassan. Hush ! the Doctor — with a face, mischievous as his 
own physic labels. I'll leave you. 

Mrs. Peachd. Do. [Exit Cassandra, r.] I must marry 
Burgonet — if only to stop the impertinence of others. 

Enter Doctor Petgoose, c. 

Petgoose. My dear madam, I have sought you at your house. 
I— 

Mrs. Peachd. You are very kind. I never less needed a 
doctor— 

Petgoose. My dear madam, as I observed in my " Pearls to 
Pigs " — but perhaps you have seen the work. 

Mrs. Pe/ichd. I am unfortunate. Such " Pearls " have 
never fallen in my way. 

Petgoose. " Man is a creature of externals " — 

Mrs. Peachd. And woman, sir ? 

Petgoose. " And woman's one physician, her looking glass." 
jSTow you, madam— you look lovely, but alas ! you don't know 
how you feel. 

Mrs. Peachd. Yes I do. I feel happy in my ignorance. 



60 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Petgoose. " The bud of the rose " — another of my pearls — 
" knows not the canker at its heart, but " — 

Mrs. Peachd. But as my heart is pretty well half-blown, I 
know there's not a bit of canker in it. 

Petgoose, Ha ! madam, the eyes of science — 

Mrs. Peachd. The eyes of science may go to sleep, I shall 
never care to wake 'em. Tell me, and truly, how is Mr. Snow- 
ball ? 

Petgoose. He's within a month at most of the daisies. 

Mrs. Peachd. The daisies ! 

Petgoose. " The daisy " — says one of my pearls — " the daisy 
is death's forget-me-not." 

Mrs. Peachd. A flower, possibly you may have cultivated ? 
Then, Mr. Snowball, — but I may trust you ? 

Petgoose. With your life. 

Mrs. Peachd. Thank you, I'd rather keep it. Mr. Snowball 
is in no state to travel? 

Petgoose. Travel ! Not quite screwed up for that. 

Mrs, Peachd. (Gives letter.) Look here — but in confidence. 

Petgoose. Now, were there any ground for the disease, I 
should say brain fever. Why, he offers instant marriage. 

Mrs. Peachd. It is quite between us. 

(Snowball looks from room at side. 

Petgoose. Ha, madam ! let it be between us. 

Mrs. Peachd. Sir ! 

Petgoose. For this I followed you home. Behold — (falling 
on his knees)— can I go lower ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Not unless you prescribe for yourself. Insolent 
impostor ! 

Petgoose. Impostor ! (Rising.) I am content. For, as I 
way, in my " Pearls," it was wisely given to woman not to 
know the counterfeit from the true thing. Farewell, madam. 
I would have made you happy. 

Mrs. Peachd. Made me happy ! 

Petgoose. Yes, — made. For as I observe to the " Pigs " — 
human happiness is a plant that, when it will not grow of itself, 
may be forced to grow. Farewell, for as I further observe, 
there are situations, in which the highest majesty is the pro- 
foundest silence. (Aside.) I'm aqua-fortis from head to foot. 
Snowball travel ! He may ; but it shall not be without 
feathers. [Exit, c. 



SCENE I.J THE CATSPAW. CI 

Snowball runs down from room at side. 

Snowb. The villain ! the traitor ! Only think, the viper 
that I have nursed in my bosom ! 

Mrs. Peachd. And the viper that made himself so much at 
home there ! But how are you really ? 

Snowb. How ? A diamond without a flaw. I feel in ar- 
mour ! No knight of a middle age — I mean of the middle 
ages — but never mind me. Think of yourself and my letter. 
Shall we flit — shall we fly ? Speak. Your heart — 

Mrs. Peachd. Of my heart, sir, I need not speak. But I 
have something serious to relate of — 

Snowb. Of what? 

Mrs. Peachd. Of my pocket. Bless me ! You're very pale. 
Shall I go on ? 

Snowb. Certainly, — but I am faint. (Takes a chair.) 

Mrs. Peachd. My fortune was embarked — 

Snowb. Embarked ! Oh dear ! I thought it safe in dock — 
I mean in the Bank. 

Mrs. Peachd. It was once ; but 'tis a long story. The ad- 
vice of foolish friends — and some grains of avarice, I fear, and 
— and pardon my blushes. 

Snowb. I can't — that is — (Aside.) What is she going to say ? 

Mrs. Peachd. In a word, my whole fortune, trusted to 
foreign venture — I only had the news this morning — is a wreck. 

Snowb. Gone to bits ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Bits, sir ! There's not a bit left. 

Snowb. What an awful world is this ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Still, sir, I feel grateful — 

Snowb. So do I. (Aside.) What an escape ! 

Mrs. Peachd. For my many friends. 

Snowb. To be sure. Friends are like money ; it is only our 
wants that rouse their sleeping value. 

Mrs. Peachd. Beautiful. 

Snowb. And now, no doubt, they'll all be wide awake to — 
to your necessities. Dear me ! I feel very ill. 

Mrs. Peachd. And I am so relieved that I have told you. 

Snoivb. (Aside) Without money, she can't go on with the 
suit. Boggle swears I have the best of it, and — 

Mrs. Peachd. What is the matter, sir ? 

Snowb. Such a singing in my head. I thought myself so 
strong, and after all, I'm a poor creature ! 



62 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Mrs. Peachd. After all, you are. 

Snowb. Yes — I somehow do want bone and fibre. I'm a 
weak tiling. 

Mrs. Peachd. 'Twill be the sweeter duty of a wife to watch 
and tend the fragile flower. 

Snoivb. Do you think me such a selfish wretch that, now I 
know my weakness, I would be a burthen to you 1 

Mrs. Peachd. Oh, sir ! 

Snowb. A blight upon orange-blossoms ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Never name it ! 

Snowb. A paralysis to love? As the excellent Petgoose 
5 — and here is ! — 

Enter Petgoose, c. 

— Oh Doctor ! You don't know how ill I am ! 

Petgoose. Ill ! . Why I left you in bed and — 

Snowb. Do you know I think I've been wandering ? 

Petgoose. You have a wandering look. I see — brain gone 
upon a visit. 

Mrs. Peachd. I will not hear this. Never believe him ! 
No — my dear sir — your intellect was never brighter, purer ! 
At this moment, it throws quite a blaze about you. 

Snowb. You flatter me — {aside.) — but it won't do. It's 
plain she's beggared, she's so plaguy civil. No — no ; I'm 
quite gone — not the remnant of a man. Quite a ruin. 

Mrs. Peachd. A ruin that the heart-strings — like the ivy — 
still must clins* around and — 



e s 



Enter Burgonet, c. 

Burgon. So, I am in time ! 

Snowb. The Captain ! Sir, will you grant me one favor ? 
You see my state ? Will you allow me to die in private i 

Burgon. Certainly not. 

Petgoose. No ! Then, sir, permit me to say, you intrude 
upon the privilege of the faculty. 

Burgon. (To Snowball.) You are the writer of this letter 
to that lady ? 

Mrs. Peachd. Doctor ! My letter ! 

Petgoose. (Aside to her.) I merely named the contents ; and 
the Captain would have it. (Aside.) Now, for my turn. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 63 

Snowb. (Having vacantly looked over letter, returns it to 
Burgonet.) I don't recollect a word of it. 

Mrs. Peachd. What ! 

Burgon. That won't serve. A most lucid invitation to elope. 
Here is the usual outfit for the journey. " Burning hearts " — 
" unalterable love " — " an angel," and " raptures ever after- 
wards." 

Snowb. I must have writ it when light-headed. Let me 
look again. (Burgonet gives letter.) Pooh ! no man in his 
senses could write such stuff! 
(Is about to tear up the letter when Mrs. Peachdown snatches 

it from him.) 

Mrs. Peachd. Stuff ! And is your affection — love — idolatry ; 
all your fidelity, and all my hopes, all — all to end in stuff! 

Snowb. My dear madam, you are no doubt very handsome 
and very good ; but when a man calls a woman an angel, it's 
clear he's wandering. 

Mrs. Peachd. Indeed ? We shall see what a jury will say 
to that. What twelve immaculate men will give me for my 
wrongs. Yes, sir, I will take my broken heart into a court of 
law — 

Snowb. Do. And see what they'll give you for the pieces. 

Petgoose. Madam — Captain — pardon him, he is very ill ! 

Snowb. (Pises.) No I am not ill — I'm very well — never 
better. For I see the snare that's been spread for me — I see 
my danger — and am shocked into sudden health. 

Petgoose. Don't mind him. He's very bad — but in these 
cases, the conceit of health is always strongest. 

Burgon. I rejoice at your recovery. You can now answer 
me — you understand — and immediately. 

Snowb. Your friend the Chevalier Podovy, whom you sent, 
and to whom I gave a diamond ring — that I should mightily 
like to have back again — your friend — 

Burgon. My friend ! 

Mrs. Peachd. A wonderful man, the Chevalier ! Quite a bit 
of the middle ages. He has invented a defence for England — 
" The Pocket Earthquake," to protect us from our enemies. A 
beautiful thing. I've given him money towards it. 

Snowb. Well, this Chevalier, this man with the Pocket 
Earthquake, brought me a challenge to fight about that lady. 
Yes, an immoral duel ! 

Petgoose. But Mr, Snowball knew his social duties better. 



64 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Snowb. I did, that is — I do. So understand, I give up the 
lady. 

Mrs. Peachd. (Aside.) This, is delightful. Give me up ! 
And do you hope to sleep of nights % Renounce, reject me ! 

Snowb. All right, title, property, and interest in you. 

Mrs. Peachd. But that is not so easy, sir — not so easy. This 
letter. There is not a drop of ink that isn't birdlime — there is 
not a syllable that isn't a mesh — not a word that isn't a trap — 
not a sentence that isn't a cage, — and here you are, sir ; here 
you are, limed, snared, shut up, locked fast, mine, sir — mine ! 

Snoivb. Horrible ! But it can't be. No — I think better of 
my fellow-creatures. 

Mrs. Peachd. What is sweeter, I shall have damages ; your 
money, and not you. Yes, sir, the gold — the gold refined, 
without the clay. 

Snowb. Now, it's all clear ; you've dropt the mask, and the 
truth is dreadful. Now you look — 

Burgon. Have a care — think twice. Any insolence to that 
lady, and fight you shall. 

Snowb. Don't speak to me, sir. In my own house. I 
despise fighting; you shall see, sir, that I can respect the 
morals of my country, and throw myself upon the police. You 
shall see that — 

Enter Audley followed by Cassandra, c. 

Audley. I am so happy, sir, to hear you're quite recovered. 

Snowb. I am. I was ill — but I'm all the better for it. 

Audley. Now strong enough, I hope, to hear the truth. 
Well, -sir — it's all up. The Chancellor wouldn't have a word 
to say to us. 

Snowb. W T hat ! 

Audley. We're out of court, sir. Mr Chumpem is much 
affected, but — 

Snoivb. Damn Mr. Chumpem ! I've been deceived, tricked ! 

Petgoose. All in kindness, my good sir. Had you learned 
the truth at first, your system must have sunk under it. You 
have only been kept alive upon the tenderest of falsehoods. - 

Mrs. Peachd. In all your wanderings — and you have wan- 
dered — witness this letter — 

Snowb. [Aside) She may be mine, now. To be sure — I 
have wandered, but not there — at least, not there. I know it, 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 65 

my brain has gone to and fro like a bird, — but there, there it 
settled ! 

Mrs. Peachd. Did it ? Then take it back again. 
[Returns letter, and retires up the stage, Burg onet following. 

Snowb. [Aside.) What does she mean? Cassandra, where 
is Mr. Boggle ? 

Cassan. Left the house with Rosemary. 

Snowb. "With Rosemary ! What for ? 

Cassan. Luckily, here they come, and will inform you. 

[Retires. 

Enter Appleface and Rosemary, c. 

Snowb. There's something in your face that — what have you 
been about ? 

Applef. Don't ask me. I refer you to the lady. 

Snowb. What is -this simpering? Where have you been — 
what doing ? 

Rosem. Been ! Been to church, and been doing matrimony. 

Snowb. Church ! Matrimony ! 

Applef. Hush ! Not so loud — I hav'n't quite recovered the 
ceremony. 

Snoivb. Why, fellow, you're an impostor. I took you for an 
attorney — for Mrs. Peachdown's solicitor and — 

Applef. And I'm happy to say, an impostor I was. 

Snowb. And no attorney ! 

Applef. When you first had the pleasure of meeting me, I 
had then only for a time changed red ink into black. 

Rosem. Being a soldier. 

Snoivb. A soldier ! 

Burgon. [ Coming down.) I said so — I knew it. The fellow 
belongs to — 

Rosem. Belongs to nobody but me. I have bought him out. 
and — [handing parchment to Captain) — and there is the receipt. 

Audley. Quite correct, Captain. I negotiated the whole 
business. 

Burgon. {Returning parchment to Rosemary.) I equally 
congratulate you upon your gain, and the army upon its loss. 

Applef. Thank you for both. And Captain, will you favour 
an old comrade ? The gentleman who takes my place, may 
want this. [Gives paper to Burgonet.) Every man in the 
regiment has a copy. But as I've retired into married happi- 
ness, 'tis only right to my wife that — 



66 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Burgon. Why, what is this ? A plan and lines, and — 

Apple/. Permit me. (Takes paper.) Put one leg of your 
compass here in Belgrave Square, then sweep your other leg 
one mile round. — In this circle, properly numbered, is the 
ground plan of five hundred different kitchens, with — as you 
perceive — the proper cupboards to retreat to in case of surprise. 
As I say, all the regiment have a copy. 

Burgon. Rascal ! And forage, I suppose, like righting cocks ? 

.Apple/. Oh, better. Like fighting cocks that don't fight. 

[Retires up stage with Rosemary. 

Snowb. (To Petgoose.) Doctor, what's to be done? We're 
ruined. 

Petgoose. Certainly not. 

Snoiob. Not. 

Petgoose. No — you may be ruined ; but the man of genius, 
like the eagle, can always renew himself. (Aside.) This brain 
is big, and the world shall see another pill ! I only want a 
name — only a name ! [Retires. 

Enter Servant, c. 

Serv. The Chevalier Podovy — he asked, sir, if you were 
alone. 

Audley. And you said he was ? Very good. You must 
see him, sir ; and hark you (to Servant), when you have shown 
the Chevalier in, send and fetch an officer; [Exit Servant, c. 

Snowb. An officer. 

Audley. I'm sure 'tis he — a begging letter-writer of the first 
quality. I've long been on his track and — hush ! 

[All retire except Snowball. 

Enter Coolcard as Podovy, c. 

Coolc. Ha ! mon cher ! You are better ? Qui — you are — 
you are — 

Snowb. (Returning the shake 0/ Coolcard's hand, at the 
same time piulling the ring /rom his finger, and p>utting it on 
his own) Much better. I may say, quite restored. 

Coolc. Monsieur ! ce gage d\imitte ! That ring which you 
have give — 

Snowb. Yes — I was wandering ; but I'm come back to my- 
self now ? and so has my diamond. 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 67 

Coolc. [Aside) Has it? Doesn't know paste from real 
water. C est bien — -'tis ver well. May you wear him a 
tousand year ; mais, monsieur, I am come — 

Snowb. What about ? Your Pocket Earthquake ? 

Coolc. That ! You have heard of him ? 

Burgon. [All coming down.) Yes ; we have all heard of the 
Earthquake. 

Coolc. Ha ! Capitaine and Madame ! Ha ! de ladies for de 
beaux arts after all ! 

Mrs. Peachd. 'Twere impossible to refuse the Chevalier ; his 
invention is so wonderful. We may all sleep in our beds, and 
leave the Earthquake to take care of our enemies. 

Burgon. Pray tell us about it. 

Coolc. Certainement — avec plaisir. You sail understand dat 
England is so many mile round about. (7' est bien. At every 
quarter mile we bury an earthquake no bigger — qu'une taba- 
tiere — den a snuff-box. Ver well. De foreign soldat no sooner 
put him foot on Breetish soil — ha ! cette belle Angleterre ! 

Burgon. Proceed. The enemy has landed. Well ? 

Coolc, Oui, debar que, — when crack — bang ! de Earthquake 
open de shore all round and round, like one deep, deep trench 
— down go tousands and tousands of de ennemi ; when — 
comme cela — de Earthquake shut himself up again, all is buried, 
all is quiet, all is swept away, and Breetannia vid a smiling 
face, rules her waves over and over de beech, while all de vinds, as 
if nothing had happened, whistle, " Breetons never sail be slaves." 

Petgoose. [Aside.) And there are people who believe this ! 
But the quackery of our time is astounding ! 

Burgon. I never dreamt there was such a benefactor among 
us. I suppose the Pocket Earthquake is patronised by — 

Coolc. Tout le monde — everybody ; surtout, 'specially de 
lady. Here is a list — no dat is not it — 

Audley. [Snatching papers from him!) Yes, it is. 

Coolc. What! 

Audley. Begging-letters all, and every one with a separate 
complaint. So — Mr. Coolcard ! 

Snowb. Eh ? No L Scoundrel ! 

Audley. Alias Busby Knox, M.A. 

Petgoose. No — yes ; it is — miscreant ! 

Audley. Alias Chevalier Podovy, alias — 

Burgon. Cheat, impostor, knave — What have you to say ? 
Confess ! 



68 THE CATSPAW. [ACT V. 

Coolc. (In a canting voice) My kind, charitable friends, I am 
well-nigh ashamed to stand before you ! I was born and bred 
in a respectable sphere of life, but the vice of the age, the un- 
holy greed of mammon — an unrighteous desire to turn six- 
pences into sovereigns, has brought me to — 

Burgon. Come, rascal, no canting, but confess. 

Snowb. Yes, confess. What did you know of Lord Win- 
tercough ? 

Coolc. Only that he was dead. Whereupon — as is my cus- 
tom — I sought out his relations. 

Snowb. Only tell me this, and Til forgive you. Why twice, 
— twice did you cheat me of five pounds ? 

Coolc. My very dear sir, how was it possible for me not to 
cheat you, when you w r ere so willing to be robbed ? 

Pet goose. Scoundrel ! 

Coolc. I assure you, sir, people of my profession nre harshly 
judged. Do as much as we may, still, when you consider the 
credulity of this tow T n, w r e ought to have some little praise for 
what we leave undone. 

Petgoose. The raffian ! 

Coolc. I hope I have always respected the peace of families, 
and — 

Petgoose. That's it ! 

Snowb. What's it ? 

Petgoose. Nothing. (Aside.) That's it — the very name for 
my new pill. The Peace of Families ! I see it already in 
print — The Peace of Families' Pill, Beautiful ! 

Coolc. And as you have nobly pardoned me, I may depart ? 
Good sir, may I not ask the return of those letters ? (To Audley.) 

Audley. Certainly not, 

Coolc. But, exceeding good sir, they are copyright. 

Audley. Impudent scoundrel ! 

Coolc. I have done. Literature is too well used to suffering 
to complain. She bleeds — bleeds inwardly, and reviles not. 
Ladies and gentlemen, I wish you one and all a wholesome 
good morning. (To Snowball.) You, sir, in particular, I wish 
every joy in life, and joy of your diamond. [Exit, c. 

Audley and Burgon. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Petgoose. How can you laugh ? It's too shocking. (Aside.) 
" The Peace of Families !" — It quite grows upon me ! 



SCENE I.] THE CATSPAW. 69 

Enter Servant, c. 

Serv. The chevalier is in custody, sir, and here's three car- 
riages, with weddino- favours. 

& 7 O 

Burgon. Very good. Have the men in armour arrived ? 

Serv. Not yet, sir. 

Burgon. No ? Nor the archers from Drmy Lane — nor the 
crossbow-men from the Opera-house — nor the falcons from the 
Zoological Gardens ? 

Serv. Not yet, sir. [Exit, c. 

Snowb. What tomfoolery's this ? 

Burgon. Tomfoolery, sir ! A solemn bridal procession from 
the middle ages, with the dwarf, the fool, and everything of the 
good old times to match. 

Mrs. Peachd. [Aside) Was there ever such audacity ? But 
it's very charming. 

Rosem. (Aside to Appleface.) My love, what is this going 
for the middle ages ? 

Apple/. Why, it's trying to make John Bull grow little 
again into John Calf, — but it won't do. 

Rosem. (Running to window) And there's such a crowd ! 
And such beautiful dresses ! Why, all the street's like a flower- 
garden ! 

Mrs. Peachd. And you think this will carry me ? And so 
it shall, with one favour. Let 'em call a coach, so that we may 
escape, and to-morrow, or next day, or never mind when, we'll 
say no more of the beautiful past, but be married after the pre- 
sent fashion, like other humdrum and degenerate people. 

Snowb. And you really marry him ! 

Audley. And perhaps, Captain, you'll allow us to join you? 

Snowb. You — what — and Cassandra ! Matched ? Why — 
how — what are you, sir ? 

Audley. Why, sir, I am a gentleman by birth, education, 
and once of fortune. That's gone — it may come again. 

• Snowb. Why, I never suspected — you've made love very 
quietly. 

Audley. Ha, sir ! There the sincerity. 'Tis with love as 
with water. The deeper it flows, the quieter it is. 

Snowb. Well, well. (Aside) She's off my hands. Be 
happy, and all that. For when all's done, I see in the peace 
of families — 



10 



THE CATSPAW. 



[act V. 



Petgoose. And I see in it a carriage, a town and country 
house, and money in foreign securities. 

Snowb. What do you mean ? All in the Peace of Families — 

Petgoose. As, with the eyes of science, I see it. (Aside.) At 
two-and-nine per box. Beware of impostors, and mark the 
government stamp. 

Snowb. And so, you won't have me, Mrs. Peachdown ? Well, 
I dare say it's all for the best — 

Mrs. Peachd. It couldn't be better, sir. 

Snowb. I dare say, still it's hard. (Aside.) And for me, too 
— the shrewd, the sharp one. But so it is. What's the 
strength of man ao-ainst the wisdom of woman ? Even Hercules 
becomes a huswife, and Snowball himself a Catspaw. 



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